Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 14







06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Danny's Song

Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Rainn.....Rainn Wilson
Will.....Will Forte
Bill.....Bill Hader

[ open on interior, barroom, Bill and Will sitting at a table as Jason approaches with beer bottles in his arms ]

Jason: First round's on ME, boys!

The Boys: Alright! Awesome!

Jason: Yeah, I was gonna get some fancy microbrews, but then I just went with, uh, you know, some cheap stuff for old time's sake!

The Boys: Right on! Right on!

[ Rainn approaches the table from the jukebox ]

Rainn: Hey, I hope you guys don't mind - I threw a couple of bucks in the jukebox!

The Boys: Great! Great! Good! Right on!

Will: Hey! [ toasts his bottle ] To the best friends I've ever had!

[ they all clink their bottles together, then begin drinking as "Danny's Song" pots up from the jukebox ]

Jason: Oh, man! I LOVE this song!

The Boys: Awww, me, too! Yes! Classic!

Jason: I remember the first time I heard it: I was nine years old, and my folks were driving me home from the emergency room.

Bill: Oh, oh - what happened?

Jason: Well, it's kind of embarassing, but, in the fourth grade, my class went on a field trip to a petting zoo. And I had a little incident that ended with my -- me, you know, getting bitten - on the penis. Right through my pants!

Rainn: Oh, God! That's terrible.

Jason: Aw, that's alright. They found the guy that did it.

[ the boys begin to sing as the jukebox hits the chorus ]

The Boys: [ singing ] "And even though we ain't got money / I'm so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!"

Jason: That was the last time I saw my uncle!

The Boys: [ singing ] "And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything's gonna be all right!"

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of?

Jason: What?

Bill: My dad. He loved this song. I remember we had this one great day at the park -- we used to have so much fun. He was running in the grass, and chasing squirrels. They had this fountain, and we threw pennies in it for hours.

Will: Wow!

Bill: It was so great! The first day I ever thought to myself, "Just I have a Dad," and not, "I have a Dad with Down's Syndrome."

[ the boys nod, as the jokebox hits the chorus once again ]

The Boys: [ singing ] "And even though we ain't got money / I'm so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!"

Bill: He loved crayons!

The Boys: [ singing ] "And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything's gonna be all right!"

Will: I'll tell you what this song reminds me of.

Jason: [ chuckles ] Oh, here we go!

Will: The time I became an arsonist.

Jason: Yep! What'd I tell ya'?

Will: I was standing outside that burning building, embracing the powerful heat of the all-consuming flame, when a car drove by playing this very song.

Rainn: [ stunned ] No way!

Will: [ smiles ] I know! It was so crazy! And all I kept thinking was, "God! If they ever find out I did this, I will never be able to teach at this grade school again."

The Boys: [ singing ] "And even though we ain't got money / I'm so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!"

Will: You know what's flammable? Fingerpaint!

The Boys: [ singing ] "And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything's gonna be all right!"

Rainn: Yeah, I gotta say this song brings back a memory for me, too.

Bill: Uh-oh! This guy!

Rainn: I was having anonymous sex in the bathroom stall of a Bennigan's at the Newark Airport? and I was standing inside this shopping bag - so, if the cops looked under the stall, it would appear as though there was only one pair of legs under there.

Will: ???

Rainn: And this song started playing over the PA! And I couldn't help it! I laughed so hard, that the other guy's PEE came out of my nose!

The Boys: [ singing ] "And even though we ain't got money / I'm so in love with you, honey / Everything bring a chain of lo-o-o-ove!"

Rainn: THE GUY'S PEE CAME OUT OF MY NOSE!!

The Boys: [ singing ] "And in the morning when I rise / You bring a tear of joy to my eyes / And tell me everything's gonna be all right!"

Jason: Man! Music is the CLOSEST thing we have to a time machine!

Bill: It sure is!

Rainn: It brings back a LOT of memories!

Will: To memories!

The Boys: [ as they clink their bottles and sip ] Memories!

Rainn: [ sighs ] So - you guys ready to do this?

Jason: Let's go!

[ they all remove guns from the inside pocket of their jackets, adjust the cartridges, then scream for everyone in the bar to surrender to them ]

[ the opening theme from "Pulp Fiction" pots up, as the words "The End" rise up and zoom in just like the main title from the film ]

[ fade ]


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