Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 14













06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Peeping Tom

Detective Reynolds.....Maya Rudolph
Detective Ambers.....Amy Poehler
Jerry Danko.....Rainn Wilson
Suspect 1.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, police headquarters ]

Detective Reynolds V/O: So, who is this witness that showed up?

[ dissolve to interior, police interrogation room ]

Detective Ambers: Uh, the witness is Jerry Danko.

Detective Reynolds: Oh, that creepy Peeping Tom?

Detective Ambers: Yeah. Turns out he was peeping through the curtains when the murder happened, so we're lucky to have him.

Detective Reynolds: Oh. Well, who knows - maybe he's not such a creep any more.

[ the door opens, as Jerry peeps in with a creepy smile ]

Jerry Danko: Hello, ladies!

Detective Ambers: Sit down, Jerry.

[ Jerry enters and sits ]

Jerry Danko: Uh - Detective Ambers, I want to begin by apologizing for all my peeping. I know it's a problem, and I am working on it.

Detective Ambers: That's not what you're in here for today. You're here to help us identify our killer.

Jerry Danko: Yes. And as soon as that is over, I am going to get some help for my horrible, horrible peeping problem!

Detective Ambers: Okay, alright. You remember Doc -- uh, Detective Reynolds? She's working on the case with me.

Jerry Danko: 1-1-5 Burrows Lane!

Detective Reynolds: [ perturbed ] How do you know where I live?

Jerry Danko: [ in a creepy tone ] From my peeping! With my incessant, non-stop PEEPING! I make myself SICK!! So SICK.. I think I'm gonna DIE!! [ a beat ] But then I peep at something, and I feel better!

Detective Reynolds: [ holds up a balled fist ] Next time you peep at me, THIS is what you're gonna see!

Jerry Danko: Ohh, I WISH the threat of violence would stop me! But it only makes me want to peep MORE!

Detective Ambers: Alright. Enough with the peeping. How this works is: we call one of our suspects forward, and you tell us if it's the person you saw.

Jerry Danko: Peeped! The person I peeped!

Detective Ambers: Peeped.

Jerry Danko: Right.

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward.

[ there's a line of suspects on the other side of the glass. Suspect 1, on the far right, steps forward. ]

Jerry Danko: Mmmkay, this isn't gonna work.

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back. [ to Jerry ] What's not going to work?

Jerry Danko: Uh, well, this is difficult, because it's normal looking at him - as opposed to peeping - and I saw him while peeping.

Detective Ambers: So?

Jerry Danko: I have an idea. [ to Reynolds ] What if you held your jacket in front of my face? And then I could just look around it like it was a curtain? You know - peep style.

Detective Ambers: Okay. Diane?

Detective Reynolds: Alright. [ removes her jacket and holds it in front of Jerry's face ] Okay?

Detective Ambers: Okay, you ready?

Jerry Danko: [ pleased ] Ohh, yeah! I am sooo ready!

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step foward.

[ Suspect 1 steps forward, as Jerry reaches around the side of Reynolds' jacket to peep at him ]

Jerry Danko: Mmmmmmm..

Detective Ambers: [ impatiently ] Is that him?

Jerry Danko: Mmmmm - this isn't quite right.

Detective Reynolds: [ angrily ] YOU'RE the one that's not RIGHT, buddy!!

Detective Ambers: Diane! Cool it!

[ Reynolds flings her jacket through the air and lets out a disgruntled scream ]

Detective Ambers: What's the problem now, Jerry?

Jerry Danko: Well, he's just standing there, knowing that someone's watching him. I can only look at someone if they don't know I'm watching.

Detective Ambers: Oh. I don't know how to do that, Jerry.

Jerry Danko: What if he pretended he was taking a shower?

Detective Ambers: [ shakes her head ] I can't ask him to do that.

Jerry Danko: Well, then the murderer walks free! Good evening to you, lady police officers! [ stands ]

[ Ambers and Reynolds object ]

Detective Ambers: Sit down! Sit down, Jerry! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward!

[ Suspect 1 again steps forward ]

Jerry Danko: Curtain?

Detective Ambers: Diane?

Detective Reynolds: Yeah. [ place her jacket in front of Jerry's face ]

Detective Ambers: [clears her throat, then speaks into the intercom ] Number 1.. pretend you are taking a shower.

Suspect 1: [ perplexed ] What?

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Just DO IT, Number 1~

[ Suspect 1 shrugs, then begins to clumsily mime taking a shower ]

Jerry Danko: Uh -- make him sing!

Detective Ambers: Jerry - please. [ sighs ]

Jerry Danko: Make him SING again!

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1.. sing like you're in the shower.

Suspect 1: [ singing as he mimes showering ] "It's in the way that you use it! It comes and it goes!"

Jerry Danko: Ohhh, yes! That's it! Sing for me! sing for me, you big lummox! YES! I'm in total control!

Detective Ambers: Alright, alright! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back! Jerry, did you even see the murderer?!

Jerry Danko: [ coquettishly ] Noooooo..

Detective Ambers: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Detective Reynolds: BEAT IT!!

[ Jerry rushes out of the room, leaving the two female detectives alone ]

Detective Reynolds: Oh. What now?

Detective Ambers: Ugh. [ a beat ] Wanna make out?

Detective Reynolds: Why not. No one can see us.

[ they begin to make out ]

[ the camera pans over to the frosted window of the door, as we see Jerry's face pressed against it and watching intently, pleased ]

[ fade ]


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