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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 14


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06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
Judge Larry Seidlin.....Fred Armisen
Aunt Linda.....Kristen Wiig
Prince Harry.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Here are tonight's top stoties:

The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving! This week, after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced England would withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq, Denmark announced that they are withdrawing their troop. [ show image of lone soldier ] Welcome home, Torsten.

Monday was President's Day and, as expected, President Bush was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents.

Seth Meyers: It was reported Friday that Democrat Tom Vilsack, is abandoning his bid for the presidency, which he started last November. Let’s look back at some of the highlights of that historic run:

[ cut to video clip of Tom Vilsack ]

Tom Vilsack: Uhh --

[ cut back to Seth Meyers ]

Seth Meyers: We’ll miss you Tom What’s-Your-Face!

Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapons defenses. So rest easy, America. In the case of an attack, we’ve got three large balloons.

Amy Poehler: [ over image of Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov ] For the first time since the Soviet era, Turkmenistan has sworn in a new leader. So, congratulations and good luck to.. [ Amy makes several bad attempts at pronoucing his name, until: ] Congratulations to Mr. B!

Seth Meyers: You're the best, Mr. B!

Amy Poehler: Whoo!

Seth Meyers: This week, in a Miami, Florida court, Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Anna Nicole Smith's remains to the guardian of her five-month old daughter. Here to comment, is Judge Larry Seidlin.

[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge's chair, and his face hung low ]

Judge Larry Seidlin: Hi, everybody. Hi, Seth and Amy. You know.. as many of you know.. it's been a really.. emotional week for me. Did you guys see me on the TV?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Judge Larry Seidlin: You see me on the TV, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did.

Judge Larry Seidlin: You know, I thought -- I thought that, I-I came up looking pretty good! But, apparently, not everybody agreed. What I'm gonna do now is, I'm gonna read you some of the reviews in the newspaper. These are blurbs! Now -- now, when I read this, okay, uh, let's keep out cool. I might cry. Uhh.. [ pauses, bangs his pencil, moans, sniffs, and weeps ] "Judge Seidlin is a bozo on a bench -- [ he weeps momentarily ] who tries to hog the spotlight!" [ he sobs ] I gotta look tough, Mama! I wanna be like Muhammad Ali! [ puts the paper down ] You know, these critics are really mean. You know, they're al -- they don't realize, you know, we all got a lot of broken suitcases! We've got broken suitcases, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what that means -- I'm gonna keep going. Many critics said you turned the courtroom into a circus. I mean, how do you respond to that?

Judge Larry Seidlin: Oh, you know, let me -- [ he sniffs and bangs his pencil ] That makes me think of growing up in the Bronx, you know? When I was a kid, I used to go to the circus everyday! [ frowns ] And, you know, one time, you know, I saw a clown on a tricycle get trampled by a crazy elephant. And you know what I said? You know what I said?

Seth Meyers: What? What did you say?

Judge Larry Seidlin: I said, I want that clown to be buried with the elephant! [ he sniffs ] They should be buried together! [ he cries ] In the Bahamas, too!

Seth Meyers: Judge Larry Seidlin, everybody.

Judge Larry Seidlin; Thank you! Thank you very much!

Seth Meyers: You've gotta put yourself together.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Thank you..

Amy Poehler: The Catholic holiday Lent began this week on Ash Wednesday, the one day every year your co-workers go: 'Surprise! I’m religious!" [ show image of a guy with ashes on his forehead ]

More than 8,900 people in Bismarck, North Dakota, this week, set a new record for the most snow angels ever made. If you’ve never made a snow angel, it’s really easy: all you have to do is murder a snowman.

Seth Meyers: [ over image of Howard K. Stern ] Whoever thought that THIS is the Howard Stern that would soil the name "Howard Stern"?

It was reported that Britney Spears shaved her head after a fight with Kevin Federline, in which he threatened to have her hair tested to find out what drugs she’s been using. Because Kevin Federline is, first and foremost, a scientist.

Amy Poehler: Well, this year's Oscars are coming up tomorrow night, and, in case you haven't had a chance to see all those movies nominated, here to fill you in is my Aunt Linda.

[ Amy's Aunt Linda is pushed forward ]

Amy Poehler: Oh, hello! It's god to see you, Aunt Linda.

Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. [ crooks her head ] Meyers.

[ disgusted, Seth turns away from Aunt Linda ]

Amy Poehler: Anyway, Aunt Linda, you must be getting excited for the Oscars.

Aunt Linda: Not me! Have you seen these performances? Gaahh! My least favorite was from "The Queen."

Amy Poehler: Oh? Oh, I thought she was great.

Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Hmm.. well, corrct me if I'm wrong, but -- [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don't think it's very fair that other movies had ACTRESSES, and "The Queen" was played by the actual Queen of England! Here's a note: if you want to try REAL acting, put on a baby suit like Marlon Wayans in "Little Man" -- now, THAT'S a performance! I give the fact that she was even nominated a "Oh, puuhleese! Hey, Academy, do me a favor: wake me up when one of the nominees is ANYONE from the cast of "JAG"!

Now onto Best Actor in a Leading Role. I think we're ALL aware of the African-American who gave a truly terrifying performance.

Amy Poehler: Uh, right -- Forrest Whitaker.

Aunt Linda: Will Smith! [ "Pursuit of Happyness" movie poster appears over her shoulder ] I don't care what kind of hobo you are, you do NOT sleep next to a toilet! And what about this little look-alike midget? I was NOT jiggy with his performance! I give it an "Oh, Brother!" and a "Ghaa!"

Amy Poehler: Well, okay, Aunt Linda, um -- what do you think for Best Picture?

Aunt Linda: And the Oscar does NOT go to: the war epic, "Letters From Iwo Jima"! [ movie poster appears over her shoulder ] Excuse me? Everyone's Asian and subtitled? I have two letters for you, Clark Eastwood: F. U.! Yeah, I give this tub o' lard a big, fat "Oh, Criiippes!"

Amy Poehler: Well, was there any movie that you liked, Aunt Linda?

Aunt Linda: "Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift"! The rest are garbage!

Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody. Thanks.

Seth Meyers: Tuesday night’s episode of "American Idol" became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as "sweetheart." Fortunately, the tension passed when the two finally made love.

A man in China says that his dog is smart enough to go to neighboring shops and buy sausages with money he’s given. Although, to be fair, the dog is sent out with money to buy lots of things. He just blows it all on sausages.

Amy Poehler: “Desperate Housewives" executive producer, Marc Cherry, has signed a four-year deal with ABC that will keep the show on the air until 2011. At which point, it will merge with "Nip/Tuck.”

Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, Adler will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions.

Seth Meyers: This week, it was announced that Prince Harry, the 22-year old son of Charles and Princess Diana, will join the regiment in Iraq. Many in England fear that the prince will become a bullet-magnet for terrorists in Iraq, but Prince Harry refuses to be held back. Here to talk about his upcoming deployment, Prince Harry of England.

Prince Harry: Thank you! Well, well! This looks like an AWFUL amount of fun, I must say!

Seth Meyers: Well, it is an honor to have you here, your Royal Highness. How are you feeling about shipping off for Iraq?

Prince Harry: DAMN excited, Seth! There was NO way I was going to put myself through Sandherst, and then sit on my ARSE back home, while my boys are out fighting for their country!

Seth Meyers: Now, what about this issue of you not only endangering the regiment, but you yourself becoming a kind of bullet-magnet for terrorists?

Prince Harry: NONSENSE! Look at me: do I look like someone who might STAND OUT in the middle of Iraq? PREPOSTEROUS!! [ giggles ]

Seth Meyers: You don't seem concerned at all about possible danger?

Prince Harry: No, well, why should I? I welcome the opportunity to test my manhood! What were the lines from Kipling? Ah, yes! "There is but one task for all / For each, one life to give. / Who stands if Freedom fall? / Who dies if England live?"

Seth Meyers: Wow. I -- I applaud your greatness.

Prince Harry: It's nothing, really. We Brits love a good fight. [ giggles ]

Seth Meyers: You really -- I mean, you're really quite brave. I mean, who knows what could hapen: you could be taken hostage, or tortured.. your regiment could come under intense fire. And let's not forget all the roadside bombs. I mean, that must at least get you thinking?

Prince Harry: [ open-mouthed ] Hmm..? No, I, uh -- I haven't really thought about any of that.

Seth Meyers: Really?

Prince Harry: No.

[ Prince Harry's face begins to contort, until suddenly he leans over and pukes several times upon the set ]

Prince Harry: Sorry -- I -- sorry.

Seth Meyers: Prince Harry, everybody.

Amy Poehler: The Serbian village of Medja announced plans to build a statue in honor of Johnny Weissmuller, best known as the star of the film "Tarzan." Said members of Weissmuller’s family, "Statue good."

[ the camera cuts over to Seth, who's still trying to wip fale vomit off the shoulder of his suit ]

Seth Meyers: You know, that happens every time Andy Sam -- I mean, Prince Harry -- comes by. [ smiles ] I love that.

A new bus in Tel Aviv has a yoga instructor onboard, who teaches passengers how to breathe correctly and relax. And if you can relax on a bus in Israel, you can relax anywhere.

The insurance company AFLAC announced this week that it will be shifting its advertising away from its duck mascot, explaining that people know the duck but not what the company does. Which is ridiculous. They rape ducks.

Amy Poehler: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is backing a plan to raise the fine for not picking up dog excrement on a city street, from $100 dollars to $250 dollars. Upon hearing the news, the bum pooping in my building’s vestibule had a hearty laugh.

On April 22nd, the Broadway hit "The Producers" will end its run. So get down there while you have a chance and catch "The Producers," now starring Joey Buttafuoco and a tape recorder with a hat on it.”

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Good night!

[ fade ]


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