Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol


Jason....Jason Sudeikis
Julia....Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Bill....Bill Hader
Kristen....Kristen Wiig
Home-Bot....Will Forte
Repair-Bot....Fred Armisen
Repair Robot-Repair Robot....Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of a house at night. Cut to the inside of it. Dining room. Two couples have just finished dinner. Jason and Julia are the hosts. Bill and Kristen are visiting.]

Bill: Wow, I still can't believe you guys won the lottery.

Julia: I know, neither can we!

Kristen: Are you worried it's going to change you?

Jason: Oh, no. We're not going to be any different than we were before we won the lottery.[Calls out] Home-Bot!! Clear table!!

Bill: Wait, you guys bought a robot?

Jason: Ok, its our one extravagance.

[Kitchen door opens. A big, metallic robot enters dining room. Round helmet, square torso, arms, rolls on wheels]

Julia: Yeah, well I wouldn't even call it an extravagance. I mean, it's so practical. Watch this, watch.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Lowering robot torso.[ kind of slow,whirring sound] Extending robot arm.[whirring sound] Initiating grasp mode[whirring sound]

Bill: He really keeps you informed.

Jason: Yeah.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Counting down to plate acquisition. T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.[whirring sound, grabs plate] Plate acquisition successful. Retracting arm.[whirring sound] Reversing thrusters.[ Home-Bot backs away,beeping sounds]

Kristen: [not very honest] Wow!, that's a real time saver.

Julia: Yeah, well we have a lot more time to just relax.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Approaching kitchen. Losing grip on plate.

[Crash! Plate shatters]

Kristen: Oh, let me help you clean that up.

Julia: No, no, no. Relax, the robot can handle it.

Home Bot: Initiating cleaning mode.[two vaccum hoses spring from his side, starts vaccuming the broken plate]

Julia: You know, its the same technology as the U.S. Military, yes.

[Home-Bot starts flailing the hoses around wildly breaking a flower vase, decoration plates, making a mess]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Warning!! Cleaning failure!! Robot malfunction!![loud siren] Shutting down!![robot shuts down]

Bill: What's wrong? What's happened?

Jason: [cool] Oh, don't worry. That happens all the time.

Julia: Yeah, that's why we bought a repair robot.[calls out] Repair-Bot! Repair robot!

[Enters a similar robot with a drill on his robot hand]

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Locating Home-Bot. Searching, searching, searching, searching. Performing diagnostic test.[whirring sound] Commencing robot repair.[whirring sound]

Bill: You bought a second robot?

Julia: Yeah, well the 2nd robot was only $500,000 so...

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Repair robot complete. Home-Bot fully operational.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Thank you, Reapair-Bot. How can I ever re-pay you?

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] The usual is fine by me.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Affirmative. Releasing hydraulic fluid into robot penis.

[Bill and Kristen make uncomfortable faces]

Kristen: Did he just say robot penis?

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Re-routing WD-40 to robot vagina.

Julia: You really want to see this.

[Repair-Bot spreads eagle on a table. Home-Bot begins to bang Repair-Bot]

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jason: Sorry about that. Home-Bot!, Repair-Bot! Go to the kitchen!

[Both robots go through the kitchen door]

Kristen: Thank God. I thought they were actually going to have sex.

Julia: Oh, they will.

[Robotic voice from the kitchen]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Initiating 45 minute robot intercourse.

[Loud mechanical drilling sounds]

Bill: I'm sorry but do we have to sit here and listen to this?

Julia: Oh, relax. You can just ignore them.

[Drilling sounds continues]

Jason: So, you guys watch "Heroes"?

[Repair-Bot head pops from the kitchen door going in and out, getting it robot doggy-style, head bounces off the door. The visiting couple can't believe their eyes]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Increasing thrust frequency!!

[Faster mechanical drilling sounds, heads bounces off the door faster]

Bill: Ok, you know what? We're going to leave.

Kristen: Good-bye.

[Bill and Kristen leave]

Julia: What do you mean? Wow. Maybe we have changed.

Jason: If they can't appreciate robots having sex, they've changed.

[Robots stop their lovemaking, sounds of liquid trickling, plop!]

Julia: Hey, what happened? Now both robots stopped working.

Jason: Well, it's a good thing we bought a repair robot-repair robot.

Julia: Oh, that's right. You know what that means?

[A third robot comes in]

Repair robot-Repair robot: [robotic voice] Extreme robot 3-way! Hmmmmm!

[Repair-robot-repair-robot high five's Julia, scene freezes]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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