Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Locker Room Motivation

Coach....Will Forte
Wally....Peyton Manning
Teammate 1....Bill Hader
Teammate 2....Kenan Thompson
Teammate 3....Fred Armisen
Teammate 4....Jason Sudeikis
Teammate 5....Andy Samberg

[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering the locker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. A mustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]

Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopey faces around here. Granted, we're down by 34 points, McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders have started to cheering for the other team. That doesn't mean we can't come back and win this thing. Wally, you got something you wanna say?

Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year and as team captain this is not how I wanna end my last game. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let's get the "f" outta here. I mean, there's an exit near the showers. We can get back to the bus and get back to Des Moines before they even know we're gone.

[The team agrees, they start to head out.]

Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sits down] Ok, we can't just give up.

Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I'm very, very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now? I mean like really, really, really real.

Coach: Yes.

Wally: I just thought about going out there for the second half and a little bit of pee came out.

Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I've peed my pants out of fear I would not be married. I would not have 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not be standing here in front of you right now. No, feel my pants. They're soaking with urine. Seriously, feel them. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.

Wally: Look coach it's no use, all right. We suck. And I know for a fact that we can't win this game. And I'd much rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles with a few of my bro's and then practice french-kissing with my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor of getting the "f" outta here say "Aye".

Teammates: "Aye!"

Wally: All opposed?

Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know, one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points in half-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten. Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and he played us a song. And that song got us so fired up that we went out there and managed the biggest comeback in college basketball history![shows a tape] I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask of you is to listen to this song once and then decide if you're gonna run home with your tail between your legs or if you want to go back out there and kick the snot out of those bastards.

[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think 60's instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coach takes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picks up, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself. Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended, eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gate closing down with his arm, cups his hand up to his ear, jump in one place, he's ecstatic. Song climaxes, he's more happy than before, he's in rapture, turns around, jumps, twirls.]

[At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. He covers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is also laughing, he covers his smile with a towel. Kenan Thompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. Jason Sudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keep a straight face]

Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!

Wally: I'm feeling it, Coach!

[Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips, snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, arms locked into each other, they playfully bump each others hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach's leg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]

Coach: Ok, now who's ready to kick some BUTT!!!

Wally: Let's do it!!!!

[Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towards the basketball court dancing and jumping around. The whole team stays behind.]

Teammate 1: Let's get the "f" outta here!!

Teammates: Yeah!!

[Team leaves]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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