06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood
Locker Room Motivation
Teammate 1....Bill Hader
Teammate 2....Kenan Thompson
Teammate 3....Fred Armisen
Teammate 4....Jason Sudeikis
Teammate 5....Andy Samberg
[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering the
locker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. A
mustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]
Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopey
faces around here. Granted, we're down by 34 points,
McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders have
started to cheering for the other team. That doesn't
mean we can't come back and win this thing. Wally, you
got something you wanna say?
Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year and
as team captain this is not how I wanna end my last
game. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let's get
the "f" outta here. I mean, there's an exit near the
showers. We can get back to the bus and get back to
Des Moines before they even know we're gone.
[The team agrees, they start to head out.]
Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sits
down] Ok, we can't just give up.
Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I'm very,
very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now?
I mean like really, really, really real.
Wally: I just thought about going out there for the
second half and a little bit of pee came out.
Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I've peed my
pants out of fear I would not be married. I would not
have 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not be
standing here in front of you right now. No, feel my
pants. They're soaking with urine. Seriously, feel
them. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.
Wally: Look coach it's no use, all right. We suck. And
I know for a fact that we can't win this game. And I'd
much rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles with
a few of my bro's and then practice french-kissing
with my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor of
getting the "f" outta here say "Aye".
Wally: All opposed?
Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know,
one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points in
half-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten.
Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and he
played us a song. And that song got us so fired up
that we went out there and managed the biggest
comeback in college basketball history![shows a tape]
I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask of
you is to listen to this song once and then decide if
you're gonna run home with your tail between your legs
or if you want to go back out there and kick the snot
out of those bastards.
[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think
60's instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coach
takes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picks
up, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself.
Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended,
eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gate
closing down with his arm, cups his hand up to his
ear, jump in one place, he's ecstatic. Song climaxes,
he's more happy than before, he's in rapture, turns
around, jumps, twirls.]
[At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. He
covers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is also
laughing, he covers his smile with a towel. Kenan
Thompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. Jason
Sudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keep
a straight face]
Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!
Wally: I'm feeling it, Coach!
[Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips,
snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, arms
locked into each other, they playfully bump each
others hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach's
leg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]
Coach: Ok, now who's ready to kick some BUTT!!!
Wally: Let's do it!!!!
[Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towards
the basketball court dancing and jumping around. The
whole team stays behind.]
Teammate 1: Let's get the "f" outta here!!
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel