Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16









06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Penelope the Party Pooper

Nicole.....Maya Rudolph
Glenn.....Peyton Manning
Sue.....Amy Poehler
Penelope.....Kristen Wiig
Anthony.....Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, two-story house, night ]

Nicole V/O: Oh, Sue -- this house is so beautiful!

[ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]

Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.

Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys -- I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!

Nicole: Oh, thank you.

[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]

Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!

Glenn: They really went all out. I've never seen this many hors d'oeuvres.

[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]

Penelope: I have. Yeah, I've seen more hors d'oeuvres than this, so -- I've just really been to a lot of big parties before, so --

Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don't even know what half of these things are --

Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I've had all of these before, at other parties I've been invited to, so -- I've just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d'oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.

Glenn: I'm sorry. We haven't met. I'm Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.

[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]

Penelope: Happy to meet you.

Nicole: It's nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?

Penelope: We're really good friends. So -- we've known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so --

Glenn: Oh -- oh, well, uh -- we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.

Penelope: [ quickly ] I've known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I've just known them for a relaly long time, so -- longer, just better friends. So -- longer than you guys. So --

[ Anthony enters the scene ]

Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]

Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we've been out of the house since Rachel was born.

Nicole: Yeah, my mom's in town. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

Glenn: She's really been a big help.

Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So -- she helps me a lot, she's always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so --

Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?

Nicole: Yes.

Penelope: Yeah -- [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other -- we've known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So -- so, I know everybody.

Anthony: Nicole, you can't even tell you just had a baby. You look great!

Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors --

Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So -- twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so -- a little over twenty. So -- [ leans out of frame ]

Nicole: Um -- we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!

Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too -- it's my favorite house -- it's my favorite house I've ever seen in my whole life. It's my favorite house. So -- [ leans back out ]

Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.

Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh -- [ point to Penelope ] Sue's cousin, to surprise her.

Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so -- More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We're really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays -- just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so --

Glenn: Great. Uh -- [ to Anthony ] How's your brother, Jim, doing?

Anthony: Jim? He's good. He's really good. Just started Law school.

Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He's in Law SChool -- started a log time ago, though, so -- top of his class.

Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.

Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so -- I told him.

Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um -- can I have everyone's attention? Uh -- first of all, I just want to say Thank You --

Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.

Sue: Um -- on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight --

Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.

Sue: We-we feel so blessed --

Penelope: I feel really blessed, too -- a lot of really good things in my life, you know?

Sue: Not only for this new home --

Penelope: I have a new house, too -- it's really big.

Sue: But for all of our amazing friends --

Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too -- a lot of friends --

Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.

Penelope: I did it, that's me -- I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me --

Glenn: She really doesn't stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.

Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]

Penelope: That's -- all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um -- I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so -- um -- I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um -- and, uh -- I can fly, so -- [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]

Glenn: Honey, let's get our coats.

Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]

Anthony: I'm sorry! Guys, don't go! [ chases after his friends ]

Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.

Penelope: She's thanking me, so -- [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table -- I have that putfit, too, so --

[ fade ]


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