Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Coffee Chat

Husband.....Peyton Manning
Porch Sitter.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, suburban front porch, night ]

[ truck forward to Porch Sitter and her husband sitting on wicker furniture while sipping coffee ]

Porch Sitter: There's nothing like a robust cup og joe after a big meal on Sunday night.

Husband: Mmm. I love this time of year. I can't believe we're sitting outside.

Porch Sitter: Spring has sprung!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm. You know, I ran into Judy today.

Husband: Really?

Porch Sitter: She was wearing invisible braces.

Husband: I hadn't heard that.

Porch Sitter: Well, I say good for her.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: This coffee is so rich and DARK!

Husband: It's Mexican.

Porch Sitter: Ooh.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm.

Husband: Mmm. Oh. I, uh, saw Rick at the park today.

Porch Sitter: Oh, really?

Husband: Yes. He said he was jogging, but, when I saw him, he was sitting on a bench.

Porch Sitter: Well, he did just have a heart attack.

Husband: He was stretching, and wearing very short shorts. I think I saw his butthole.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Well, that's Rick for you!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: You know what I'm going to use to fertilize my garden?

Husband: Your own poop?

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Yep!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Husband: Guess what Carl did for Janice's birthday this year.

Porch Sitter: What?

Husband: He hung himself in their garage.

Porch Sitter: [ chuckles ] And you say we have problems!

[ they chuckle together and sip their coffee ]

Husband: Mmm. I walked around with a piece of sliced ham in my pants for the past couple of days, just to have my own secret.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles at him ]

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I enjoy coffee.

Husband: Me, too.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I'm thinking about buying a bunch of baby clothes to dress up all our plants.

Husband: I slow-danced with the dog today.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] I have a pig's vagina! [ a beat ] I love this porch.

Husband: Me, too.

[ truck back, fade ]

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