Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 18
06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork
Mrs. Hastings
Salesman…..Bill HaderMrs. Teasdale…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Scarlett Johansson
Mrs. Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Salesman: Mrs. Teasdale I think your daughter is going to be really happy with the gown.
Mrs. Teasdale: well I hope so for 3500 dollars.
(Both chuckle as Mrs. Teasdale leaves and Mrs. Hasting’s daughter enters)
Salesman: Im sorry, were by appointment only.
Daughter: what is this place, the dermamatoligist? Shoot, I aint come down here to have my moles looked at.
Salesman: well unless you have an appointment Im going to have to ask you to leave.
Daughter: Well you dont have to be rude. Shoot I just need a prom dress.
Salesman: Do you have an appointment
Daughter: I dunno my momma probably did. Your gonna have to ask her, you feel me?
Salesman: Where is she?
Daughter: I dunno the last time I saw her she was in the back of the line at the chicken fillet!
Mrs. Hastings: Oh there you are! Girl I have been lookin for you. I turn around and you werent there. Shoot Ive been runnin around with this tray of waffle fries for like thirty minutes. Hold this for me. (Puts tray on mannequin) Thank you! Oh what is her problem? Attituuude!!!!
Daughter: Moma this man says we need an appointment up in here.
Mrs. Hastings: We had an appointment yesterday but I couldnt make it. I had bowl problems. Big ones! They put a renuzic next to me and I just watched it go zoop.
Salesman: Im sorry what is your name again?
Mrs. Hastings: Oh I am Mrs. Hastings but you can call me Virginica.
Salesman: Robert Hastingss wife and this is your daughter.
Mrs. Hastings: Thats right. This is my daughter. Dont by vagina but by marriage.
Salesman: Let me get a prom dress you might like. (leaves)
Mrs. Hastings: Oohh these barbecue corn nuts is zesty.
Daughter: Thats because they Cajun barbecue corn nuts and they stink too!
Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl.
(salesman returns)
Salesman: I think youll like this one. Its very understated.
Mrs. Hastings: Where do you think shes goin, Dan Rathers house? This is prom!
Daughter: Dang who you think I am, Vanna White? I want something thats classy you know, something that I can do my coochie ups and downs in.
Mrs. Hastings: Oh baby show him the coochie ups and downs! (mom beat boxes)
Daughter: bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.. bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.
Salesman: Im guessing something with stretch
Mrs. Hastings: Or a cheetah print
Salesman: Oh Ill check one thing. Whats her date wearing?
Mrs. Hastings: Preferably something that comes off quick. Give it up fo yo step-mama!
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did.
Daughter: You did not
Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl. Now call T.J and see what hes wearing.
Daughter: [on cellphone] T.J mmm. Some man wants to know whats yous wearin to proms, mmmhhmm, hes wearin a New Jersey nets jump suit and a derby with a featha.
Salesman: Sorry I asked.
Mrs. Hastings: (points at dresses) How much these be
Salesman: Those are on hold theyre not for sale.
Mrs. Hastings: Well this ones brutiful.
Salesman: thats on hold.
Mrs. Hastings: Well How bout this brutiful one.
Salesman: On hold
Mrs. Hastings: Well this brutiful ones so brutiful.
Salesman: On hold
Daughter: Well how bout this one mama
Salesman: That one is a birthday present for Sissy Clineburgs 80th birthday. She only wears urban safari.
Daughter: Mama how come I cant get this dress to show off my junk?
Mrs. Hastings: (deep voice) Why cant my baby get this dress to show off her junk?
Salesman: Because its for someone else.
Mrs. Hastings: You know what baby. Let mama work her magic.
Salesman: You know what you need to just step
Mrs. Hastings: (cut him off) out of my jeans?
Salesman: No.
Mrs. Hastings: bend over and grab my ankles and peak at you upside down between my legs?
Saleman: Seriously, would you
Mrs. Hastings: (cuts him off) get naked and hide my private parts between two pocket books
Salesman: Oh lord I am so not interested
Mrs. Hastings: well this isnt the first time Ive been attracted to a gay man today
Daughter: mama what you doin? Im buggin out and I need my prooooommmm dress.
Mrs. Hastings: I know baby you need to outside and mama will take care of it. Oops! I think my Jordache button flies just came flew open and Uho, it looks like I mistakenly put my g-string on backwards
Salesman: Oh my god! Here take it take it!!
Mrs. Hastings: Thank you!
Submitted by: Madison
