Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

Mrs. Hastings

Salesman.....Bill Hader Mrs. Teasdale.....Kristen Wiig
Daughter.....Scarlett Johansson
Mrs. Hastings.....Kenan Thompson

Salesman: Mrs. Teasdale I think your daughter is going to be really happy with the gown.

Mrs. Teasdale: well I hope so for 3500 dollars.

(Both chuckle as Mrs. Teasdale leaves and Mrs. Hasting's daughter enters)

Salesman: Iím sorry, weíre by appointment only.

Daughter: what is this place, the dermamatoligist? Shoot, I ainít come down here to have my moles looked at.

Salesman: well unless you have an appointment Iím going to have to ask you to leave.

Daughter: Well you donít have to be rude. Shoot I just need a prom dress.

Salesman: Do you have an appointment

Daughter: I dunno my momma probably did. Your gonna have to ask her, you feel me?

Salesman: Where is she?

Daughter: I dunno the last time I saw her she was in the back of the line at the chicken fillet!

Mrs. Hastings: Oh there you are! Girl I have been lookiní for you. I turn around and you werenít there. Shoot Iíve been runniní around with this tray of waffle fries for like thirty minutes. Hold this for me. (Puts tray on mannequin) Thank you! Oh what is her problem? Attituuude!!!!

Daughter: Moma this man says we need an appointment up in here.

Mrs. Hastings: We had an appointment yesterday but I couldnít make it. I had bowl problems. Big ones! They put a renuzic next to me and I just watched it go zoop.

Salesman: Iím sorry what is your name again?

Mrs. Hastings: Oh I am Mrs. Hastings but you can call me Virginica.

Salesman: Robert Hastingsís wife and this is your daughter.

Mrs. Hastings: Thatís right. This is my daughter. Donít by vagina but by marriage.

Salesman: Let me get a prom dress you might like. (leaves)

Mrs. Hastings: Oohh these barbecue corn nuts is zesty.

Daughter: Thatís because they Cajun barbecue corn nuts and they stink too!

Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl.

(salesman returns)

Salesman: I think youíll like this one. Itís very understated.

Mrs. Hastings: Where do you think shes goiní, Dan Ratherís house? This is prom!

Daughter: Dang who you think I am, Vanna White? I want something thatís classy you know, something that I can do my coochie ups and downs in.

Mrs. Hastings: Oh baby show him the coochie ups and downs! (mom beat boxes)

Daughter: bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.. bring your coochie down.. bring your coochie up.

Salesman: Iím guessing something with stretch

Mrs. Hastings: Or a cheetah print

Salesman: Oh Iíll check one thing. Whatís her date wearing?

Mrs. Hastings: Preferably something that comes off quick. Give it up fo yo step-mama!

Daughter: You did not

Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did

Daughter: You did not

Mrs. Hastings: Yes I did.

Daughter: You did not

Mrs. Hastings: Hush up girl. Now call T.J and see what heís wearing.

Daughter: [on cellphone] T.J mmm. Some man wants to know whats yous wearin to proms, mmmhhmm, hes wearin a New Jersey nets jump suit and a derby with a featha.

Salesman: Sorry I asked.

Mrs. Hastings: (points at dresses) How much these be

Salesman: Those are on hold theyíre not for sale.

Mrs. Hastings: Well this oneís brutiful.

Salesman: thatís on hold.

Mrs. Hastings: Well How bout this brutiful one.

Salesman: On hold

Mrs. Hastings: Well this brutiful ones so brutiful.

Salesman: On hold

Daughter: Well how bout this one mama

Salesman: That one is a birthday present for Sissy Clineburgís 80th birthday. She only wears urban safari.

Daughter: Mama how come I canít get this dress to show off my junk?

Mrs. Hastings: (deep voice) Why canít my baby get this dress to show off her junk?

Salesman: Because itís for someone else.

Mrs. Hastings: You know what baby. Let mama work her magic.

Salesman: You know what you need to just step

Mrs. Hastings: (cut him off) out of my jeans?

Salesman: No.

Mrs. Hastings: bend over and grab my ankles and peak at you upside down between my legs?

Saleman: Seriously, would you

Mrs. Hastings: (cuts him off) get naked and hide my private parts between two pocket books

Salesman: Oh lord I am so not interested

Mrs. Hastings: well this isnít the first time Iíve been attracted to a gay man today

Daughter: mama what you doiní? Iím bugginí out and I need my prooooommmm dress.

Mrs. Hastings: I know baby you need to outside and mama will take care of it. Oops! I think my Jordache button flies just came flew open and Uho, it looks like I mistakenly put my g-string on backwards

Salesman: Oh my god! Here take it take it!!

Mrs. Hastings: Thank you!

Submitted by: Madison

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