Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 18

06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

An SNL Digital Short: Roy Rules!

.....Andy Samberg
Roy.....Bryan Tucker

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ image of Andy Samberg standing before a brick wall zooms forward ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
"Did you notice there's over a million people in the world?
There's over a million in New York alone!
But the only one I'm into -- is my brother-in-law, Roy!"

[ quick pan to a bored-looking guy sitting on a couch, as 80's heavy-metal font spins onto the screen: "Roy Rules!" ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
"Roy Rules!"

[ Andy points to his sister ] "He's married to my sister!"
[ Andy points to roy and niece watching cartoons ] "He wakes up in the morning, watching "Dora" with my niece!"
[ Roy eats a banana ] "And then macks on ba-na-nas!"

[ Andy peeks into the bathroom, as Roy shuts the door ] "Roy Rules!!"

[ Roy runs on treadmil ] "He works out in the morn-ing!"
[ Roy does crunches on the floor ] "He runs in the park, and he does a bunch of crunch-es, so he's got a kill-er bod-ay!"

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
"I'm so glad my sister married Roy!
He gets along great with the entire family!
He's hard-working, he's great with kids --
Oh, and also?
I want to have SEX with Roy!"

"Roy Rules!"

"I'd really like to taste him!
We'll take off our pants, and wail on each other,
Throw his marriage license in the waste bin!"

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
"Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not into Roy sexually. He's my sister's husband! Still, though -- if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24/7/69!"

"Roy Rules!!"

[ Andy stands next to Roy's cubicle ] "He works in an off-ice!

I've got this theory, he was put on this Earth, ta give men succulent rubb downz!"

[ Andy on keyboard ] "Roy, won't you go.. with.. me..??"

"Roy Rules!!"

"He loves wearing T-shirts!
But in my dreams, he's dressed like a pirate, and my DONG is his PEG LEG!"

Andy Samberg: So, there you have it -- a song about my real-life brother-in-law, Roy. Just so you know, the dude in this video wasn't the actual Roy. [ photo insert appears ] This is the actual Roy! So I think you see where I'm coming from. Oh, and, Roy? Next time I see you, don't be all weird about this. You KNEW what you were getting into! Peace!

[ SUPER: "Roy Rules!" ]

[ image freezes, then fades ]

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