Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18


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06r: Scarlett Johansson / Bjork

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
.....Will Forte
.....Fred Arisen

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers. And here are tonight's top stories:

Embattled World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz said, Sunday, that he will not resign over the scandal in which he secured a pay raise for his girlfriend. Thatís one thing you have to admire about Wolfowitz: heís a total douche.

The French newspaper, Le Monde, said on Sunday that French Secret Service produced nine reports between September 2000 and August 2001 looking at the Al Qaeda threat to the U.S., and knew it planned to hijack an aircraft. Although, not to brag, but, you know, so did we!

Amy Poehler: Sunday is Earth Day. So suck it, Neptune! Yeah, I hate you, Neptune!

Monday's Boston Marathon was won by Kenyan Robert Cheruiyot, while the Kenyan Marathon was won by American Don Smith.

Hip hop producer Damon Dash is suing his accountant over mishandled tax returns. Apparently, under "Dependents", he listed "All da shorties in da house."

Seth Meyers; Woolworth's has been forced to scarp their line of Will & Kate souveniers, after Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, broke up. This comes as a surprise to many who thought Woolworth's went out of business a hundred years ago.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced plans for a lottery that would send its winner into space, in a bid to spread the dream of space travel beyond the super-wealthy -- to one other person.

In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Wednesday, Attoeny General Alberto Gonzalezmaintains that he still won't resign. Which brings us to our segment, called "Really!?! with Seth and Amy."

[ fade in and out on graphic ]

Really, Alberto Gonzalez? You're not going to resign? Because you really should resign. During the hearings, you said "I don't remember" or "I don't recall" over fifty times. Don't lawyers need to have good memories? I mean, how do you cite precedent? "Your Honor, may I remind you of the cae of What's-His-Name and the guy with the hat? I'd rather have the guy from "Momento" as a lawyer. My Commodore-64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. Really.

Amy Poehler: Really. And you say you prepared for this hearing for a month? But you didn't think to prepare answers for "Why were they fired?" Or: "Who decided they should be fired?" That's the equivalent of not only getting your name wrong on the SATs, but walking up to the old lady who runs the test and punching her in the face. Really.

Seth Meyers: And, really, Alberto. Even the most ocnservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he's so conservative he thinks watching "Will & Grace" gives you AIDS. Really.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Really.

Seth Meyers: Really.

Amy Poehler: Really. Really, President Bush? You think it went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word "Nappy," and he remembered to wear pants.

Seth Meyers: Really. But, Alberto, don't get too down, because there's an upside to all of this: by tomorrow, you will forget it ever happened! Really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Huh!

Seth Meyers: Huh!

Amy Poehler: Wow!

[ show graphic ]

Announcer: This has been "Really!?! with Seth and Amy."

[ return to news desk ]

Amy Poehler: A new trend in New York City is Cuddle Parties. Which are drug- and alcohol-free environments where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, and touch. Some of you may know these parties by their original name: The Subway.

It was reported that New York mayor Mike Bloomberg is considering the controversial idea of congestion pricing, which involves charging motorists for entering the most heavily-trafficked parts of the city. Specifically: muh pants!

[ Amy and Seth high-five one another ]

Seth Meyers: A New York City planning subcommittee has opposed a permit for the annual San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy, saying the street fair is to raucous and an inconvenience for residents. [ touches his ear ] This just in: The New York City Planning Subcommittee is missing.

Christie's Auction House has sold a prehistoric mammoth skeleton for a record $421,000. The buyer? You guesed it: Bartholemew, the world's richest dog.

Amy Poehler: A Japanese man was sentenced to twenty-one months in jail for smuggling rare butterflies in the U.S. Though, if he's smart, he'll come up with a better story for his cellmate.

Officials say they grew suspicious after they noticed the man farting colors.

A new fragrance will launch this summer called Coney Island. It will have a combination of smells, including margarita mix, chocolate and caramel, hot dogs, fish, egg shells, needles, Russia, Stephon Marbury, the bearded lady, and murder.

Seth Meyers: NBC and "Law & Order" producer Dick Wolf are in negotiations to cut costs for the long-running series, to justify keeping the show on the air another season. As a result, next season the show will just be called "Law." [ the "Law & Order" transition sound effect plays ]

This week, doctors in New York used a new surgical technique to remove a woman's glal bladder through her vagina. The woman was gracious to the doctor for the surgery, but did want to point out she'd only gone in for a flu shot.

Amy Poehler: As I mentioned earlier, tomorrow is Earth Day, a time to focus on things everyone can do to help the planet. Here with some suggestions, is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: I'm a hige supporter of the environment, but even I do small things every day, without even noticing, that hurt the planet. And, so, tonight I thought I'd like to apologize to Mother Earth and promise her that I will try to do a better job. Uh, so I've written a song, uh -- Fred? Some help, please? [ Fred Armisen, holding a guitar, appears next to Will ] Fred's gonna play the guitar. Uh, this song is called "An Open Apology to Mother Earth."

[ Fred strums the guitar, as Will sings: ]

"I admit I have not been recycling
In fact, I've been openly encouraging people to be wasteful.
I often go to other people's recycling bins
and throw them into the regular trash.

I own thirty stretch-limosine Hummers
And I keep them all running, even when I am sleeping.
And I always dump my unused paint
directly into the ocean.

And I'm truly sorry, because --

Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful planet!
I'm gonna be a better boyfriend to you!

I thought car pools were for pussies
And satiable energy was for jerk-offs.
Organics farmers can eat my synthetic panties
And baby seals can go straight to hell.

Now, as for "An Inconvenient Truth"
I thought that that was a veritable movie suck fest.
And a much more representative look at our planet
Can be seen in the John Travolta masterpiece, "Battlefield Earth."

"Battlefield Earth", you're a wonderful, wonderful movie
"Battlefield Earth", you're a wonderful, wonderful movie
"Battlefield Earth", you're a wonderful, wonderful movie
And I think Iím going to rent you tonight
Oh, tonight! Tonight! Ohhh, tonight! Címon, tonight! Tonight!"

[ spoken ] Look, you want to fix this? Here's what we do, okay? I want everyone -- you in the audience, and the over 200 million people watching at home! You go out, and rent "Battlefield Earth" toooo-ni-i-i-ight! Tonight! And then, throw it into the trash! And when all the landfills all over the world are overflowing with copies of "Battlefield Earth", somebody, somewhere, will be forced to do something about it! See, we've done it! The world is healed! But don't do it for me. Do it for:

[ resumes singing ]

"Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
With the world's help, we will save you tonight!"

[ Will starts to break out into a second song, but Amy interrupts ]

Amy Poehler: Okay, okay, okay! Will Forte. That's good enough. Only one song tonight, one song tonight.

Will Forte: [ resumes singing his first song: ] "Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet!
Earth, you're a wonderful, wonderful planet --!"

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I'm Amy Poehler! Good night!


SNL Transcripts