06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park
Sally O'Malley....Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano....Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante....Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts....Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior....Will Forte
[HBO Original Programming logo]
[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parking
lot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippers
are dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting next
to the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie stands
next to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chair
nearby. They talk with their goombah accents]
Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.
Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show "Lost"?
Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don't want to talk
about some stupid show. I want to talk about business.
Paulie Walnuts: I'm just saying, I don't get that
show. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn't lose
any weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing on
a tropical island?
Silvio Dante: It's a very confusing show, T. I watched
the entire dvd set and still don't know what's going on!
Tony Soprano: Freakin' moron. That's why they call it
"Lost". You're not supposed to know what's going on.
Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kind
of dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you're supposed to be
in a nuthouse. What are you doing here?
Uncle Junior: I don't know what I'm doing here. I lost
my mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot you
again but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]
Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk business
there's a new girl waiting to audition for the club.
Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.
[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O'Malley
with her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]
Sally O'Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally
O'Malley. I'm proud to say I'm 50 years old. I'm not
one of those gals that's afraid to tell her real age
and I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretches
almost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the air
again] I'M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.
Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, no
disrespect but you're not exactly what we're looking for.
Sally O'Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw an
ad in the paper that said that you were looking for
hookers that could cut a rug. So I put my red
pants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]
Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I've ever been on.
Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.
Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She's a nice lady, let her
dance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!
[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the pole
twirling her index finger around, grabs the pole and
squats down 2 times]
Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![music
stops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn't
even took off your clothes.
Sally O'Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was born
to strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.
Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but I
like to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] and
KICK![kick] I'M 50!! 50 years old.
Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How old
you think she is? 43? 44?
Tony Soprano: She said she's 50!! Freakin' moron!
Uncle Junior: You're crazy. She's not a day over 49.
Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?
Sally O'Malley: Sweetheart, I've done more laps than
Seabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,
this jockey's number is the big 5-0!
Tony Soprano: Lady,it's a strip club. You plan on
wearing those long pants when you're dancing or what?
Sally O'Malley: You darn tootin'. The boys don't stand
a chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] I
call this outfit my desert rose cause it features the
Tony Soprano: Whoa!
[The crew is kind of turned off too]
Sally O'Malley: That right there is my half century
lady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a foot
up in Tony's head to show her very noticeable camel
toe] How do you like that, huh?
Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]
Sally O'Malley: That's the way it goes. You got to
shake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up and
bends to the left and to the right, proud of her camel
toe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.
These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.
[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]
Tony Soprano: I'm not hiring a 50 year old broad!
Paulie Walnuts: T, didn't you see? She can kick,
stretch and kick.
Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.
Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?
Tony Soprano: The answer's no! Lady, look I admit it,
you got something special but I don't think you can handle this place.
Sally O'Malley: I can handle this and I got more
experience than the lot of you.
[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]
Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from Phil
Leotardo.[points the gun]
Sally O'Malley: No, you don't cause I like to
KICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks him
down] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks second
hitman in the groin, k.o's him] I'M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!
[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes the
billboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BING
presents SALLY O'MALLEY]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel