06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

The Sopranos

Sally O'Malley....Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano....Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante....Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts....Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior....Will Forte
Hitman....Bill Hader

[HBO Original Programming logo]

[The Sopranos]

[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parking lot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippers are dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting next to the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie stands next to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chair nearby. They talk with their goombah accents]

Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.

Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show "Lost"?

Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don't want to talk about some stupid show. I want to talk about business.

Paulie Walnuts: I'm just saying, I don't get that show. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn't lose any weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing on a tropical island?

Silvio Dante: It's a very confusing show, T. I watched the entire dvd set and still don't know what's going on!

Tony Soprano: Freakin' moron. That's why they call it "Lost". You're not supposed to know what's going on. Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kind of dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you're supposed to be in a nuthouse. What are you doing here?

Uncle Junior: I don't know what I'm doing here. I lost my mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot you again but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]

Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk business there's a new girl waiting to audition for the club. Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.

[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O'Malley with her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]

Sally O'Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O'Malley. I'm proud to say I'm 50 years old. I'm not one of those gals that's afraid to tell her real age and I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretches almost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the air again] I'M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.

Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, no disrespect but you're not exactly what we're looking for.

Sally O'Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw an ad in the paper that said that you were looking for hookers that could cut a rug. So I put my red pants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]

Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I've ever been on.

Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.

Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She's a nice lady, let her dance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!

[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the pole twirling her index finger around, grabs the pole and squats down 2 times]

Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![music stops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn't even took off your clothes.

Sally O'Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was born to strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks. Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but I like to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] and KICK![kick] I'M 50!! 50 years old.

Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How old you think she is? 43? 44?

Tony Soprano: She said she's 50!! Freakin' moron!

Uncle Junior: You're crazy. She's not a day over 49.

Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?

Sally O'Malley: Sweetheart, I've done more laps than Seabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go, this jockey's number is the big 5-0!

Tony Soprano: Lady,it's a strip club. You plan on wearing those long pants when you're dancing or what?

Sally O'Malley: You darn tootin'. The boys don't stand a chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] I call this outfit my desert rose cause it features the camel toe.

Tony Soprano: Whoa!

[The crew is kind of turned off too]

Sally O'Malley: That right there is my half century lady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a foot up in Tony's head to show her very noticeable camel toe] How do you like that, huh?

Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]

Sally O'Malley: That's the way it goes. You got to shake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up and bends to the left and to the right, proud of her camel toe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise. These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.

[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]

Tony Soprano: I'm not hiring a 50 year old broad!

Paulie Walnuts: T, didn't you see? She can kick, stretch and kick.

Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.

Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?

Tony Soprano: The answer's no! Lady, look I admit it, you got something special but I don't think you can handle this place.

Sally O'Malley: I can handle this and I got more experience than the lot of you.

[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]

Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from Phil Leotardo.[points the gun]

Sally O'Malley: No, you don't cause I like to KICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks him down] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks second hitman in the groin, k.o's him] I'M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!

[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes the billboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BING presents SALLY O'MALLEY]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel