Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20









06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Jason Sudeikis
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph

[The Official Seal for the President of the United States comes up]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the president of the United States.

[The camera goes to President Bush sitting at his desk while the audience applause]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Memorial Day will soon be here, and for me, like most Americans, that means the long summer vacation. It's been a very difficult year, and I don't mind telling you, that it will be a relief, not having to think about Iraq, the war on terror, or the exploding federal debts for the next three months. In fact, I might even leave a week early. (chuckles to himself)

Since you won't be hearing from me, until after Labor Day, tonight, I'd like to share to you some thoughts on the most important issue currently facing our nation, the war in Iraq. First, when this administration launched Operation Iraqi Freedom, critics of the war, both in the Muslim World, and here in America, charged that its real purpose was to install a U.S. puppet government in Baghdad. Now, four years later, those critics have been proven dead wrong. Far from being a U.S. puppet, the government of Iraq isn't even much of an al-lie. In fact, I kind of think they hate us. Case and point, their parliaments resolutions set to pass next week, calling on all U.S. soldiers to leave the country. Obviously, we will ignore it. But, still, does that sound like a puppet?

[President Bush looks sideways towards Vice President Dick Cheney, and without saying anything, Dick Cheney gives a smile to the camera and gives a thumbs up. The camera goes back to Bush and he perks up from Cheney's reaction]

President George W. Bush: Second, we all remember how, at the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom, opponents of this war acclaimed that it wasn't about freeing the Iraqis at all, but about guaranteeing cheap oil for American consumers. Well, today, with the price of gasoline of an all time high, my administration, has once again, been resoundingly vindicated. I don't mean to gloat, but this summer, when Americans find they're paying over $4.00 for a gallon of unleaded, a $1.50 then they did before the war, I think they'll say "Mr. President, we're sorry we ever doubted you." And I'm very proud of that.

[President Bush looks sideways once again toward Vice President Dick Cheney, who gives an "A-Okay" sign with his fingers. George Bush perks up once again and looks back to the camera]

President George W. Bush: Third, what about those critics of the war, who insisted that by overtaxing our armed forces, and spreading them to thin, we would be unable to take military action against other threats, such as, Iran, or North Korea? [scoffs] Well, just wait 'till fall. October 16th. Those critics will be proven wrong, too, big time.

[President Bush looks sideways again to see Vice President Dick Cheney throwing one of his arms down, while his hand is made into a fist. George Bush looks back at the camera]

President George W. Bush: Finally, when Operation Iraqi Freedom began, many of those against this war said this administration would refuse to listen to the advice of military experts, and would conduct the war incompetently. Here, the critics turned out to be right.

[President Bush looks sideways to find Vice President Dick Cheney. But, Dick Cheney ran off after the negativity]

President George W. Bush: [getting nervous] But, okay! That's one out of four! You know, ask any baseball manager, one out of four is nothing to be proud of. When I was part owner of the Texas Rangers, we did a little better than that, and as I recall, we were considered a disaster! Also, we traded away Sammy Sosa for Herald Banes, which I'll be honest, was completely my idea. Well, that's all for tonight, I'll see you all after labor day. Until then, all decisions effecting the country will be made by my very capable Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, and her assistant, David something-rather. [looks sideways] Condi, come on out here!

[Condoleeza Rice walks out with a front tooth missing]

Condoleeza Rice: Hello, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Well, stranger! Long time, no see! When was it?

Condoleeza Rice: Probably Thanksgiving. Mr. President, will there be a number where I can reach you?

President George W. Bush: [scoffs] Yeah, nice try! Any way, you're doing a heck of a job, how about you take it from here.

Condoleeza Rice: Certainly, Mr. President. [voice rises] Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!


Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin


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