Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 20

06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci....Bill Hader
.....Zach Braff
Show's Director....Fred Armisen
Assistant....Will Forte

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] ...La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarrette and winks at the camera]

Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver La Rivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!

[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having a great time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowing with smoking cigarrettes.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, bisioso!, bisioso! he, he, he, Vinny Vedecci con sipio he, he, he. Eta notte conocero lo ranto della cinema americano conocendo arabande "The Ex" comparto "Scrubs" conderasantes, Zach Braff!!

[TV star Zach Braff enters, shakes hands with Vinny, sits down with him.]

Vinny Vedecci: Hey!, hey!, hey! Zach Braff! hey!, Zach Braff!, hey!

Zach Braff: Thank you, thank you. Very excited to be here.

Vinny Vedecci: Zach Braff, hey,hey. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes.

Vinny Vedecci: Ay, sito comparto eh, american cinema [more rapid italian dialect] compuso "Garden State" e "Scrub" eh, della televisione, diso compartes?

[Zach is lost]

Zach Braff: I'm sorry. I, I, I don't speak Italian.

Vinny Vedecci: Eh?

Zach Braff: I don't speak Italian. I was told there be some english, I...

[Vinny looks mad. He complains loudly in Italian to his show's director and assistant. The show's director and his assistant are both eating spaguettis besides the camera. The director with his earpiece looks mad too, his assistant eats like nothing is happenning]

Show's Director: Vincenzo, per favore!!![more loud Italian arguing, throws his fork with pasta into his plate. Vinny is Italian mad] ....toccino, eh?

Vinny Vedecci: Toccino? Ha!, ha!, ha! Toccino! he!, he! he! [His director laughs with Vinny, their little inside joke] Brrrr!! Toccino! He, he, he. Zach Braff.

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

Vinny Vedecci: Conocerendo, conocendo Manhattan Murder Mystery? Heh?

Zach Braff: Oh, yes! Actually, Manhattan Murder Mystery was my very first movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, carasere, misteriando, carasere "Columbo", eh? Peter Falk, eh?

Zach Braff: No,no,no. Peter Falk is not in that movie.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, "Columbo", "Columbo", oh, "Columbo" e impressione, impressione, "Columbo"[A perfect impression of Peter Falk's "Columbo"] "One more thing little lady, if you never been to Mexico before then what's that sombrero doing in the backseat of your car!"

[Applause, Vinny smiles big]

Zach Braff: That's great. That's really great. It has absolutely nothing to do with Manhattan Murder Mystery but it's a very good impression.

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, grazie, grazie. Zach Braff, Zach Braff, grazie. Zach Braff[more italian] ....a clip? Clip?

Zach Braff: Clip, I understand! Yes, I brought a clip.

Vinny Vedecci: Clip, clip on "Scrub"!

Zach Braff: Yes, sir.

[Cut to a clip of the series "Scrubs". Zach's character talks to the black chick and the blond chick of the show in a deep,grave dubbed italian voice. The girls are dubbed in Italian too. The music is dramatic in tone. A monkey wearing a busboy outfit runs around, they all speak in deep, desperate dubbed Italian voices. Monkey bangs hand into the glass window, scene freezes. Clip ends devoid of color and with a sting of dramatic music]

[Returns to studio. Zach looks confused]

Vinny Vedecci: Oooh!, molto dramatico! Si, serabandes!

[Show's Director is crying in his spaguetti. Assistant cries but keeps eating]

Show's Director: Cosa triste es "Scrubs"!

Zach Braff: I'm sorry, is "Scrubs" a drama in this country?

Vinny Vedecci: No drama. Number one drama!!

Zach Braff: No, I'm sorry but "Scrubs" is a comedy.

Vinny Vedecci: Comedy? Eh, not that funny.

Zach Braff: Is there a translator here? Maybe someone I can talk to?

[From under the table 2 crude puppets appear. Italian tarantella plays.]

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, oh. E senda coccino cavalle[more italian] Zach Braff!

[Puppet talks to Zach in a playful way.]

Puppet: [italian dialect] ...oh dio, Zach Braff.

Vinny Vedecci: [playfully] Oh, oh Zach Braff, mea coccino....

Zach Braff: I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do here.[to puppet] Hi, how are you?

Puppet: Mi primo dembarco, per favore?

Vinny Vedecci: She...wants...a kiss.

Zach Braff: A kiss? Ok, I can...I'll give her a kiss.

[Zach leans in to kiss the puppet and suddenly the puppet vomits on his face. Zach wipes vomit from his face. He is not amused]

Vinny Vedecci: Ha!, ha!, ha! Zach Braff!! She vomit!! In your face!!!

[Vinny laughs wildly, director laughs, assistant eats, 3 other tv crew members laugh and smoke cigarrettes]

Zach Braff: Very funny. That's really funny.

Vinny Vedecci: Classico!, classico![imitates the vomit in the face] Blaaaah!!!! Oh, Zach Braff....ooohh[more italian. Vinny touches his watch indicating they are out of time] sorry Karate Gorilla.

[A man in a gorilla suit dressed in kimono and asian headband looks mad that he will not make it in the show]

Vinny Vedecci: Grazie, Zach Braff. Of course-a Vinny Vedecci. Good night, good night. [waves bye-bye]

Logo appears: La Rivista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci.

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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