Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:



September 29th, 2007

LeBron James

Kanye West

None

Jake Gyllenhaal

Adam Levine

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next President
Summary: Smugly anticipating her party's nomination and two-term election victory, Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) advances her acceptance speech.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Amy Winehouse was originally scheduled as musical guest, but cancelled this and many other scheduled appearances late in the summer.

Note: Don Pardo's microphone was turned low for most of the montage, and the technician who adjusted it can be heard talking.


LeBron James' Monologue
Summary: In a parody of his Nike commercial, LeBron James' family members (LeBron James) critique his performance while watching "Saturday Night Live" at home.

Bio: LeBron James (1984-). Basketball player; small forward of the Cleveland Cavaliers; nicknamed "The Chosen One" by Sports Illustrated while still in high school.

Transcript


Angry Dog
Summary: The high-energy dog food that will transform any family pet into a canine killing machine.

Transcript


Penelope
Summary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups LeBron James during a date auction for the Children's Hope Foundation.

Recurring Characters: Penelope.


High School Musical 3
Summary: New student (LeBron James) on the basketball team is unwilling to join in on the singing until he realizes that it will enable him to get extra-friendly with a naked Gabriella Montez (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: In "Iran So Far", Andy Samberg performs an ode to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) with backing vocals by Jake Gyllenhaal and Adam Levine.

Recurring Characters: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Transcript


Read to Achieve
Summary: LeBron James' attempts to star in a literacy PSA directed by Mike Underballs (Bill Hader) is interrupted by stagehand Jeff's (Jason Sudeikis) antics.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript


The Lyle Kane Show
Summary: Slow-witted white guy Lyle Kane (Will Forte) awkwardly hosts his own show on Black Entertainment Television.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Kane.

Transcript


Kanye West performs "Stronger/Good Life"
First Performed: 05a.


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: O.J. Simpson (Kenan Thompson) daftly explains his logic in stealing memorabilia that no longer belongs to him. Via translator (Maya Rudolph), Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Fred Armisen) explains in great detail why homosexuality doesn't exist in Iran.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Mahmoud Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Transcript


Best of Solid Gold
Summary: C. Micah Kring (Kenan Thompson) gushes over Time-Life's new Best of Solid Gold collection which focuses on those Solid Gold Dancers (Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, LeBron James).

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Following an extended absence, Rob Smigel brings back "The Ambigously Gay Duo." In tonight's episode, Big Head and Dr. Brainio host a fake barbecue with the hopes of framing Ace and Gary for a Port-o-Potty version of the Senator Craig scandal.


106 & Park
Summary: Terrence (Kenan Thompson) and Roxie (Maya Rudolph) question Kanye West about controversial awards show incidents he was recently involved in.

Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning.

Transcript


Kanye West performs "Champion/Everything I Am"


Great Moments in Guidance Counseling
Summary: In high school, LeBron James' plans to go to college are scoffed at by the guidance counselor (Jason Sudeikis) who better advises he accept an NBA contract because college is for losers.

Note: Major camera snafus when Jason Sudeikis pulls his diploma from the wall. The camera shot turns black, then comes back on Will Forte with Sudeikis' actions visible only in shadow behind Forte's head.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Veritas Ultrasound HD
Summary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad's eyes.

Note: This ad parody will air on next week's live broadcast.


Mattress
Summary: An angry customer (Jason Sudeikis) returns his Sealy Posturepedic mattress when it doesn't contour to his shape.


LeBron's Entourage
Summary: LeBron James' date (Amy Poehler) is discombobulated by the presence of his entourage (Kenan Thompson, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader) while they have dinner together.


Notre Dame Football on NBC
Note: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.


Sabotage
Summary: Sabotage at the dentist's office.


Old Days
Summary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.


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