Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

106 & Park

Rocsi.....Maya Rudolph
Terrence.....Kenan Thompson
.....Kanye West
Dakota Fanning.....Amy Poehler
Drake.....Will Forte
Josh.....Jason Sudeikis
Presenter.....Bill Hader
George F. Smoot.....John Lutz
Mayor.....Will Forte
.....LeBron James
.....Lorne Michaels

[ open on the "106 & Park" logo and graphics ]

[ dissolve to Terrence, Rocsi, and Kanye West on the set ]

Rocsi: Alright, alright, alright! Welcome back to "106 & Park"! I'm Rocsi -- this is Terrence -- and we're here with Kanye West! [ audience cheers ] Alright. So, Kanye, we were talking earlier about some of the bad press you received for your behavior at awards shows.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Terrence: Well, you famously took the stage and protested the 2006 European Music Awards, and, at the VMA's this year, cameras caught you backstage visibly upset that you hadn't won.

Kanye West: Yeah?

Rocsi: So how do you defend yourself from claims that you're a poor loser and a crybaby?

Kanye West: I mean -- I'm not here to defend myself! I mean, it's no offense to the other artists, but I'm just passionate about my music, and, really, those are just isolated incidents, and they -- they've just been blown way out of proportion!

Terrence: [ scoffs ] Okay. BUt what about your appearance at the Kid's Choice Awards this year?

Kanye West: I mean -- I mean, that was NOTHIN', dawg!

Rocsi: Alright, well, let's show that clip.

[ dissolve to Dakota Fanning standing onstage at the Kid's Choice Awards ]

Dakota Fanning: It's so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for Best TV Show -- because I don't even OWN a TV! And the Kid's Choice Award for Best TV Show is -- [ opens the envelope ] "Drake & Josh"!

[ Drake & Josh step forward to claim their award. But so does Kanye West. ]

Kanye West: Hell, no! Aw, hell -- yo! No disrespect, man, like -- I don't even -- I haven't seen your show, I don't even WATCH Nickolodeon! But.. HOW.. the hell.. they not gonna give a Kid's Choice Award to Kanye West?! How Kid's gonna be taken seriously if they keep making bad choices?! I used to believe children were our future -- but F--K that!!

[ Kanye grabs the award from Drake & Josh, then exits the stage ]

[ dissolve back to "106 & Park" ]

Terrence: I -- I don't know. You seemed upset, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean -- I really deserved that Kid's Choice Award!

Terrence: But it was for Best TV Show. You don't have a TV show.

Kanye West: I AM the greatest show on Earth! And I want to apologize for that.

Rocsi: Okay. But do you think you're the best scientist on Earth?

Kanye West: I mean -- perhaps. You know, it's not about the -- the Nobel Peace Prize!

Terrence: Yeah, let's roll the clip.

[ dissolve to the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ]

Presenter: It is my.. distinct honor to present the Nobel Prize for Physics to John C. Mather and George F. Smoot.. for their discoveries in the cosmic microwave bac --

[ Suddenly, Kanye West jumps onstage ]

Kanye West: Oh, HELL no!! Who's picking this, man?! How the hell the Nobel Pace Prize for PHYSICS gonna go to ANYBODY but me?! That's ridiculous! My album went Gold in a day, babe! My album went Gold in a DAY!! [ to the two scientists ] I ain't heard of NONE of y'all theories! But if the Nobel Peace Prize isn't going to ME.. the Nobel Peace Prize LOSES.. credibi -- [ a spliced-in expletice is bleeped out ]

[ Kanye runs off the stage ]

[ dissolve back to "106 & Park" ]

Rocsi: Wow. So what happened there, Kanye?

Kanye West: I mean -- you can't trust the media. They edited that to make me look bad!

Terrence: Alright. Well, how do you explain your behavior at the Thistle Down County Fair last week?

Kanye West: I mean -- I -- I ain't gonna hurt -- that's just wrongness!

Rocsi: Well, there was actually a camera there.

Kanye West: That's freakin' cameras!

Rocsi: Take a look at the tape!

[ dissolve to the NThistle Down County Fair ]

Mayor: And the Blue ribbon for Best Pumpkin goes to little Abigail Winters. [ hands the ribbon to the ltitle girl ] How old old are you, Abigail?

Little Girl: I'm eight years old.

Kanye West: Oh, heeeeellll no! [ he runs in carrying a pumpkin under his arms ] I got the best pumpkin! This pumpkin cost a MILLION dollars, man! [ hands it to the Mayor and lifts the top off ] It's got champagne in it! How I lose to a eight year old?! [ grabs the ltitle girls' ribbon ] You got a lot of years -- you got a lot of years you can win this! I been doing this too long, man! I been doing this too long!

[ Kanye runs away from the scene ]

[ dissolve back to "106 & Park" ]

Terrence: Wow. Damn, That's pretty uncool, Kanye.

Kanye West: I mean -- anybody with a trained eye can see that that was done with, uhh -- computers. And, uhh -- they CSI'ed me!

Terrence: You mean, CGI?

Kanye West: I mean, it doesn't matter! I wasn't there!

Terrence: Yes, but were you backstage at "Saturday Night Live" this weekend?

Kanye West: Of course I was!

Rocsi: Then, can you explain this?

[ dissolve to Kanye West frantically pacing in his dressing room at "Saturday Night Live" ]

Kanye West: Man, HOW they gonna have me on "Saturday Night Live" and I ain't gonna host, man?! Seriously, man?! How they gonna have LeBron James over ME, man?! I'm TEN times the performer, man! Man, give a black man -- give a SHORT black man a chance, man! [ he starts cursing about Lorne Michaels and throws furniture around his dressing room ]

[ pan across to reveal LeBron James and Lorne Michaels standing in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: I'm sure he's talking about a different LeBron James.

LeBron James: Uh -- and Im' sure he's talking about a different Lorne Michaels.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] No. There's -- there's only one Lorne Michaels.

[ dissolve back to "106 & Park" ]

Terrence: Uh -- Kanye? Did you say those things?

Kanye West: [ almost speechless ] I -- I wouldn't trust the media!

Rocsi: Okay, well, we're gonna take a little break, and wehen w come back on "106 & Park", more screamiiiiiiiinggg!

[ fade ]

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