Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Great Moments in Guidance Counseling

.....LeBron James
Larry Baines.....Jason Sudeikis
Glenn.....Will Forte

[ open on title on a sheet in a three-ring binder ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: "Great Moments in Guidance Counseling."

[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]

Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that's still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.

[ dissolve to Mr. Baines' office, as student LeBron James enters ]

LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey -- so, uh, what'd you want to talk to me about?

LeBron James: Well, I've been thinking a lot about my future --

Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What's on your mind?

LeBron James: Well, I've been told if I'm cleared for the NBA, I'd be the number-one draft pick.

Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That's fantastic news!

LeBron James: But I've been giving it a lot of thought now, and I've decided I want to go to college.

Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I'm sorry -- what?!

LeBron James: [ proudly ] I'm going to go to college!

Larry Baines: Okay, okay -- uh -- you know, LeBron -- college might not be the right path for you, right?

LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?

Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron -- do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I -- I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh -- one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!

LeBron James: But you've always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.

Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh -- uh -- I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know -- LOOK at me! My shirt doesn't have long sleeves -- you know, I make my own lunch -- you know, I share an office with Glenn --

[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]

Glenn: Don't say it like that..

Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!

LeBron James: But -- I've always dreamed of getting a diploma.

Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I'll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that'll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!

LeBron James: But won't I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?

Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on 'em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, "I guess they didn't teach you how to stop LeBron James in college -- BITCH!!"

Glenn: Larry! Language.

Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me -- I drive a '93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years -- FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy -- who didn't go to college -- says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.

LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don't go to -- don't go to college! No, you don't know something -- just Google it!

LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!

Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ]

[ LeBron exits the office. ]

Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut --

Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God -- I swear to God, Glenn.

[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ]

[ quiet fade ]

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