Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Angry Dog

Mom.....Kristen Wiig
Spokesman.....Will Forte
Sportsman.....Jason Sudeikis
Blind Man.....Fred Armisen

[ open on suburban kitchen, two little kids crouched on the floor next to their lethargic pet dog ]

Kids: Mommy! Mommy!

[ Mom comes running ]

Mom: What is it?

Boy: The Ryans' dog bit Daisy again.

Girl: Daisy didn't even do anything!

Mom: Daisy, don't let that mean dog do this to you.

Spokesman: It hurts to see the dog you love picked on and tormented by other dogs. You can't make it stop, only your dog can -- by standing up to the bullies and fighting back. And now, there's a dog food that can help. Angry Dog. [ holds up the bag, complete with Michael Vick on the package ] Other dog foods may be more nutritious, but Angry Dog has something special. It's powerful combination of synthetic testoterone and seven psychoactive drugs go right to your dog's brain like a perfect touchdown pass, leaving it excitable, on-edge, combative, with a defiant chip on its shoulder. And quick to respond with violence to any slight -- real or imagined. In short, an attitude that says to the world, "Don't you DARE f--k with me! Don't you EVER f--k with me!!"

Angry Dog is formulated for ALL breeds:

[ in the woods, a Sportsman shoots his kill ]

Sporting dogs.

[ his dog runs into a thicket ]

Sportsman: Here, boy!

[ the dog tears apart the kill ]

Spokesman: Working dogs.

[ a German Shephard seeing-eye dog yanks a Blind Man across the street while barking at other pedestrians to get out of his way ]

Blind Man: Good girl!

Spokesman: Performing dogs.

[ two miniature poodles in clown costumes push each other on a wagon while barking manaiacally at one another ]

Spokesman: Or just old, old friends.

[ an old man sits by the fireplace reading, his faithful but ferocious dog at his feet ]

Old Man: Good girl.

[ cut back to the suburban kitchen, "Six weeks later", as the kids come running in with the pet dog ]

Kids: Mom! Mom!

Mom: Alright, what's the big news?

Boy: [ teeth marks and scratches all over his face ] Daisy bit the UPS man!

Girl: [ scratch marks on her cheek, gauze over a missing left eye ] And he's hiding in his truck!

Mom: [ proudly ] Did you do that, Daisy Dog?

[ growls ]

Mom: Oh!

Spokesman: Your dog CAN be a killer. Angry Dog can help.

[ fade ]

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