Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

The Lyle Kane Show

Lyle Kane.....Will Forte
Daniel.....Bill Hader
Tim.....Lebron James

[B.E.T. logo]

Announcer: You're watching BET. Next up the premiere of The Lyle Kane show.

[Lame flute introduction plays]

[The Lyle Kane Show logo]

[Lyle Kane is a white nerd with cow-licked hair, a polo shirt buttomed all the way up, talks slowly. He sits in his chair on his talk show]

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. I'm Lyle Kane and this is my talk show. First of all, I want to thank the black E.T. channel for taking a chance on Lyle Kane. Just a former valedictorian trying to make his way in the world of black entertainment. Hi, there Black E.T. Channel. Thank you, there. I have tried to make this show as black as possible to cater to the Black E.T. channel audience. So please, say hello to the black E.T. "Lyle Kane Show" band.

[Another white nerd with his polo shirt buttomed up plays lame flute sitting on a stool reading a music sheet]

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. Before we get to the guest of my black E.T. channel show "The Lyle Kane Show" hi there. I have time for a few jokes.[stands] Hey, what do you get when you cross a sweater with a knock-knock who's there at the door, a cross between a sweater and a knock-knock sweater?I hardly knew her, sweater I hardly knew her who? Well, that did not go well.[sits slowly]My first guest is here. He is standing right over there behind the wall. It's only like 20 feet away. But we have the guest wait there until I call their name. And then they walk over here and then we have a conversation. That's how we do the show here. Anyway, our first guest is just a guy I met a few days ago. His name is Tim. You in this channel will like him because he is a black man. Come on. Hi, there.[stands up to greet Tim]

[Lame flute introduction plays]

[Tim is a tall black nerd. Afro parted to the side, tie, vest]

Tim: Hi, there.[Tim sits in Lyle's chair]

Lyle Kane: Yes, that is---that is my chair there.

Tim: Sorry.[gets up, sits in guest's chair]

Lyle Kane: Ok, yes. You sit there and I will remain in the chair that I started the show in. This chair right here and you should've know this. So, Tim...

Tim: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. How are you there?

Tim: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Ok, interesting story. I met Tim the other day at the bank. He worked there and I was a customer. Tim, what is it like working in a bank?

Tim: It's good, Lyle.

Lyle Kane: Tim, could you make your answer longer than that? Because to be honest, I don't have any other questions.

Tim: It's very very very very....very very very very very good, Lyle.

Lyle Kane: Thank you there, Tim. My next guest is Daniel. Hi there, Daniel. Bye there, Tim. Tim can you fill in for Daniel on the flute really quick while I interview him?[Daniel gives Tim the flute] Come on. Daniel, walk over there behind the wall where the guests of "The Lyle Kane Show" wait.[Daniel goes behind the wall] Hi, there. Come on. And wait for my introduction, it should not be long it is almost coming, my next guest is the leader of the black E.T. "The Lyle Kane Show" band Daniel. Tim? Tim please play a flute introduction for Daniel. Come on.

[Tim plays very cool jazzy riff on the flute, Daniel shakes hands with Lyle and sits down]

Lyle Kane: Hi,there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: So Daniel, hi there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: How are you there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: How are you there, Tim?

Tim: Fine there.

Lyle Kane: Fine over here, Daniel?

Daniel: Fine there.

Lyle Kane: Ok so Daniel...just tell the audience about your job.

Daniel: I play the flute for "The Lyle Kane Show".

Lyle Kane: So, that's all the questions I have tonight and that's all the guests that I have but now the bad news. There is a lot more time in the show so it looks like we have hit our first snag of the season here on "The Lyle Kane Show". Hi, there. Sorry, there.

Tim: Uh,Lyle? Maybe this will help. I heards two people backstage that had a question for you.

Lyle Kane: Oh, Tim. Thank you there. What was their question?

Tim: There question was what member of the B.E.T. staff did you had to give a b.j. to in order to get the job?

Lyle Kane: His name is Brian Wilber. Well, that's all the time we have on the show. Please, tune in to our next show which I believe is October 7th 2010. Thank you to Daniel and Tim. Come on, play us out. [Tim plays the flute]Bye, there.[to Daniel] You go leave now, after he's done with the flute.....

[The Lyle Kane Show logo]

[Lyle keeps giving instructions as the scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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