Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1












07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Read to Achieve

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs.....Bill Hader
.....LeBron James
Jeff.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]

Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I'm the director -- Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]

LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I'm a HUGE fan.

Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that's great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?

LeBron James: Yeah, let's go.

Mike: Okay, let's do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA -- take one!

[ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]

Mike: And... action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]

LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh -- you were a ltitle high on that pass/

[ Jeff enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike - -the ball slipped!

Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let's get it right this time.

LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don't worry about it. Just, uh -- hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.

Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike's direction before exiting the set ]

Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And... action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time --

[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]

LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that's a little early!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh -- my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater --

Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?

Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker -- that's all, you know?

LeBron James: I wasn't even looking!

Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.

LeBron James: That's not an excuse --

Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude -- I played high school ball. Point guard!

Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!

Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!

Mike: Jeff!!

Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im' with you, Mike -- let's shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]

Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And... action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron's head ]

LeBron James: Hey!! What's your problem, man?!!

Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man!

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Hey! He's supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!

LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!

Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look -- the adults are talking here, okay? You're 22, right? Go sit at the kid's table and have a juice box!

Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!

Jeff: Hey, I'm with you, Mike! I'm not the one hot-dogging it here!

Mike: Alright, let's just -- let's just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And... action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ a book is tossed into LeBron's hands ]

LeBron James: What the hell is this?!

Jeff's VOice: That's a BOOK!!

Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?

Jeff: Hey! It's about literacy, Mike -- I'm just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!

Mike: No one's arguing wih you, Jeff! You've had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?

LeBron James: Hey, if we're not gonna do this, I'm gonna get out of here, okay?

Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he's got a ring!

LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I'm gonna kick his ASS!

Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that's it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]

LeBron James: You serious?

Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I'm serious! Let's go -- you and me, one on one!

LeBron James: Mike?

Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.

[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]

Jeff: Alright. Don't give me this -- I'm a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I'm gonna back you down! Now you're in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]

Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up!

[ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]

Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.

[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]

Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where's it at?

[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]

LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!

Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?

Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I'm fine, Mike! Win by two -- let's go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out!

[ fade to "Read to Achieve" logo ]

[ fade to black ]


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