Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1


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07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Amy Poehler
O.J. Simpson.....Kenan Thompson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.....Fred Armisen
Translator.....Maya Rudolph

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler and here are tonight's top stories.

During a meeting of the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, first lady Laura Bush walked past Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but refused to make eye contact with him. Though, in her defense, she thought he was a waiter.

A coffee shop has opened in the heart of China’s forbidden city, replacing a controversial Starbucks that was forced out by public protest. Still, no word on the status of the forbidden city, Circuit City.

Seth Meyers: During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village.

On Thursday, President Bush held his own talks with the world’s biggest greenhouse gas emitters in hopes with coming up with aspirational goals in hopes to curb global warming. However, the talks were unexpectedly interrupted when the earth died.

Amy Poehler: Earlier this month, O.J. Simpson was arrested on six felony counts in connection with the reported armed robbery of some of his sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel room. Here to comment; really? Oh, no. O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson: What’s up? Seth? Amy?

Amy Poehler: Hello, OJ. So, what exactly went down in that hotel room?

O.J. Simpson: Amy, it was a huge misunderstanding. I just went in there to get my stuff. Stuff that was once mine, that I then sold to a guy, and then I came back to get it back. That’s O.J.’s right.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but OJ, I heard the audiotape, and it sounds like you were very threatening to those gentlemen.

O.J. Simpson: You’re missing the point, Amy. Wouldn’t you be upset if you sold off some of your things, and when you decided to take those things back, many years after the transaction had taken place, they wouldn’t part with it willingly?

Amy Poehler: Uhh, yes?

O.J. Simpson: Yes, okay. And wouldn’t you be thoroughly disappointed in the police department for seeking you for the arrest of those same items?

Amy Poehler: I’m not sure I even understand that question.

O.J. Simpson: (cross-eyed) Errrrgh! How can I simplify this for you? Let’s say that this lead pencil is mine. I then sell it to you, and five years go by, and then I’m in a casino, and it occurs to me that I need that pencil back. Right this minute. So, me and four of my friends kick down your hotel room door to get my pencil back because it’s mine. What remains unclear?

Amy Poehler: Seth, do you understand this logic?

Seth Meyers: No.

O.J. Simpson: Okay, let me put it to you this way. What happens in Vegas, you must acquit.

Amy Poehler: What, I…

O.J. Simpson: If the glove don’t fit, stays in Vegas.

Amy Poehler: I think you’re mixing up your quotes there, OJ.

O.J. Simpson: (assertively) Oh, am I?

Amy Poehler: O.J. Simpson, everybody.

Seth Meyers: Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. It turns out that the invisible rope he was pulling was attached to a very real tiger.

Amy Poehler: A man in Boston proposed to his girlfriend by having the phrase “will you marry me” placed in the Sunday crossword of the Boston globe. This, only six months after he divorced his first wife via word jumble. (Unscrambles “It’s over, bitch)
_ _ _ IST
_ _ _ _ OVRE
_ _ _ _ _ BTCIH

Dog owners in Wisconsin can now pay $275 dollars to do their various dances with their dogs, like the cha-cha, twist, and rumba. Or, they can pay no dollars, and skip the camp all together.

Seth Meyers: Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call that he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, “That was my wife, reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-11”. (pauses). It was Giuliani.

Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a 26-year old chimpanzee legally declared a person. The one remaining obstacle: It’s not.

Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York, where he addressed the United Nations, as well as an audience of students at Columbia University. Though, he answered questions on subjects ranging from Iran’s support for terrorism to the Holocaust. It was his comments on women and homosexuals that drew the most attention. Here to comment is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (he comes out). Um, Mr. President, in your country, women are denied many basic human rights, and the government has imposed draconian punishments, including execution on citizens who are homosexuals. Why are you doing this thing?

(Mahmoud speaks a foreign language)

Translator: (translating what Ahmadinejad says) First of all, the things you said are not factual and make no sense. And we don’t have homosexuals. That is an American hobby, phenomenon, or hobby. This is in Iran, we love and respect women, more than any other two sexes. When I see a beautiful Iranian woman, the type is to be most attractive, tall, but strong and sharp features. Broad powerful shoulders; a muscular, crippled midsection; narrow hips; tight, almost masculine buttocks; attractive, penis-shaped genitals; or even an actual functioning penis; a prominent Adam’s apple; the type of woman I am drawn to. Oh, and it’s also nice if they have a moustache. When I see a woman like this, I give thanks to Allah for the wonder of his creation. Woman. And I say to myself, “why would anyone even want to be a homosexual?” No, this doesn’t happen in my country. No, that is only an American activity or pastime.

Amy Poehler: For more of President Ahmadenijad’s views on women or homosexuality, read his views in this month’s Inches Magazine. Thank you so much.

Seth Meyers: This Saturday, the Nickelodeon Cable Network will have three hours of dead air at noon in part of its 4th annual “Worldwide Day of Play”, which encourages kids to go outside for three hours a year.

Amy Poehler: Nike has created the new Air Native N7, a sneaker designed especially for the wider feet of Native Americans. So, are we cool now?

New research shows that all types of alcohol add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women. Though daiquiris will make you feel the most stupidest about it.

Seth Meyers: Police in Staten Island are searching for a ninja burglar, who has robbed 16 homes wearing a ski mask. Not to be confused with the Ski Mask Burglar who has robbed eight homes dressed like a ninja.

George Rieveschl, known for inventing Benadryl, died in Cincinnati at the age of 91. The family ask that you send anything but flowers. (small laugh gets louder as Seth points to audience slowly).

Amy Poehler: Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag after a customer in Britain complained was embroidered with swastikas. On the bright side, the handbag has been invited to speak at Columbia University.

A woman in Russia gave birth to a 17-pound baby, who was her 12th child. The woman is recovering well, though her vagina has gone into hiding.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, good night.


Submitted by: Snlfreak92


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