Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2







07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

2007 National Douchebag Championships

Blaine Savage.....Jason Sudeikis
Jake Hawkins.....Bill Hader
Todd Deaton.....Seth Rogen
Christopher Spanks.....Will Forte
Sharon Osbourne.....Amy Poehler
Gene Simmons.....Fred Armisen
Gerard.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: We now return you live to the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada to the 2007 National Douchebag Championships. Sponsored by Maxim magazine, Axe body spray, Cigar Aficionado magazine, and SoBe No Fear energy drink. Now, here’s your host, Blaine Savage!

Blaine Savage: Thank you. Welcome back, I’m Blaine Savage. We are now down to three finalists. Only one will win 2007’s Douchebag of the Year and walk away with the commemorative Jared Leto trophy, not to mention a guest spot on the television show Entourage. Let’s review our contestants.

[cut to Jake Hawkins, wearing a button-up shirt and slicked-back hair] From New Jersey, a nightclub manager who loves a good joke, Jake Hawkins.

[pans to Todd Deaton, wearing a “Big Johnson” t-shirt and sideways hat] From Pennsylvania, a student who says he hopes to one day compete in Olympic muff-diving, Todd Deaton – “the Deetch”.

[pans to Christopher Spanks, sporting spiky highlighted hair and one pierced ear] And from California, a street juggler and activist, Christopher Spanks.

Blaine Savage: Gentlemen, you’ve just completed the talent portion of our competition. Now it’s time to hear what our panel of celebrity judges has to say. First up is Jake.

Jake Hawkins: Haha, what’s up? [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]

Blaine Savage: No, I’m not doing that. Now, Jake, for your talent, you recited the lyrics to “California Girls”...

Jake Hawkins: That’s right.

Blaine Savage: ...while doing impressions of Borat, Austin Powers, and Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura.

Jake Hawkins: Hehehe, yeahyeahyeah. “It’s nice!” “Do I make you horny, baby?” “Alllrighty then!”

Blaine Savage: Uh, that’s great, that’s great, yeah. Alright, let’s take a look at the judges’ scores.

[judges hold up signs reading “8.0”, “8.5”, and “7.5”]

Blaine Savage: Wow, impressive! Very nice. Let’s start with some comments with Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: [title reads “Sharon Osbourne, Professional Reality Show Judge”] Jake, there’s no question you belong in this competition. Look at you. You are an enormous douchebag! But I have not seen you take it to the next level. You are such a douche – show us why!

Blaine Savage: Okay, okay, some tough love there, some tough love. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: [title reads “Gene Simmons, First Douchebag of Rock & Roll”] Jake [removes sunglasses], you got the tools, but you’re not showing off your main tool. Be the animal that is man. Women want to smell it. [stares into the camera]

Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Okay, I’m not... sure about that. Let’s go to the reigning Douchebag of the Year, Gerard.

Gerard: [title reads “Gerard, 2006 Douchebag of the Year”] Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I was straight-up jammin’ on this P’Zone. No, biggie, fries. Anyways, I thought you were hilarious... dot-com!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s why he’s the champ, folks. That’s why he’s the champ. Alright, next up is Todd Deaton – “the Deetch”.

Todd Deaton: ’Sup, playas. [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]

Blaine Savage: No, no, I’m not gonna do that, I’m not gonna do that. Alright. Now Deetch, for your talent, you hit on a woman in the audience while showing her a picture on your cellphone of your testicles.

Todd Deaton: Hilarious. I asked her if she wanted to meet “the twins”. [smiles, then stops abruptly]

Blaine Savage: Good lord, good lord, alright. Let’s go to the judges.

[judges hold up signs reading “9.0”, “8.5”, and “9.0”]

Blaine Savage: Wow! Look at that, Deetch! You’re in the lead. Alright, let’s go to Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: Todd, you have all the fundamentals. You have been brought up on date-rape charges seven times, but you were never convicted. You wear shower shoes everywhere, and you call everyone “brosephus.” You are an absolute classic douchebag. Bravo!

Blaine Savage: Wow. Wow, that’s gotta feel good. That’s gotta feel real good. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: Todd [removes sunglasses], be the man that you are. I’ve left my smelly sweat on hotel sheets all over the world. And you know what? The ladies beg for more. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]

Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Alright, that’s one to grow on. Let’s head over to Gerard.

Gerard: Huh? What’s up? Oh, sorry. I was just putting one stray braid in my hair using Native American beads that I got at Hot Topic in the Bob Marley section. But for realsies, dude, you’re the jazz! Just keep on doin’ the Bartman. [laughs sheepishly]

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s great feedback, great feedback. Uh, Todd, any thoughts?

Todd Deaton: Yeah, just one. What happens in Vegas stays in my pants! Oh snap!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] What a tool! Alright. That’s gonna be tough to beat. Alright. Let’s hear what you can do, Christopher Spanks! Alright. Okay, so Christopher, for your talent, you played Ultimate Frisbee while riding on a Segway while singing the music of Jamiroquai.

Christopher Spanks: [sings] Beep-bop, beep-bop, mmm, virtual insanitayy.

Blaine Savage: Shut up, will ya? Just cool it. Alright, let’s see what the judges said.

[judges hold up signs reading “10.0”, “9.5”, and “9.5”]

Blaine Savage: Yes, it’s the highest yet! Terrific! Sharon, what do ya got?

Sharon Osbourne: Chris, you’ve demonstrated extreme douche-erty [pauses]. Douchebags of the world, bow down! You’ve found your new king!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s great. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: Chris, tonight [removes sunglasses] you’re half tiger, half gorilla, and half horse penis. Own it. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]

Blaine Savage: Oh, Obi-Schwanz-Kenobi, that guy. That’s unbelievable. Alright, Gerard?

Gerard: [holding a white ferret] What’s up? Oh, sorry. I was just squeezing out some fresh gorp for my main man, Ferret Bueller. [laughs] But on the cereal tip, I gotta have my Pops. [smiles]

Blaine Savage: Okay, I’m gonna assume that... that’s positive, I guess. A commanding lead for Christopher Spanks, but it’s not over yet!

Announcer: More to come on the National Douchebag Championships. Plus, a performance by Counting Crows’ Adam Duritz, and Daughtry.


Submitted by: Shannon


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