Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber II

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Casey.....Maya Rudolph
Caleb.....Seth Rogen
Keylor.....Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift!
Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs!
He's never felt better about himself!

[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Deserted Desert Tower." CUT to a sign marked "Desert Tower Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I've tried everything, MacGruber! It won't budge! I think it's sauntered shut!

Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don't move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!

MacGruber: Don't worry -- we WILL get out of here! I have a four o'clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!

MacGruber: Okay, first -- quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor

Keylor: Hi!

MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray -- [ whispers ] I'm twenty-five. Just go with it.

Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!

MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.

Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!

Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. "son."

Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!

MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that's tight! That's so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don't you think that's tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn't that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that's a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that's --

[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

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