Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Mad Joe Dixon

Mad Joe Dixon....Seth Rogen
Abigail Marriweather....Kristen Wiig
Delilah....Maya Rudolph

[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800's. Two young women in their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]

Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoon Delilah. It's as though my skin is made out of paper mache.

Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn't a small sip of lemonade do me some good?

Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you'd like to squeeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.

Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows that Mad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.

Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled into this town you sprung up like a spring flower.

Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.


Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!

Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.

Abigail: Oh, apples.

Delilah: Yeah, apples. We're counting apples, right here....

[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella. Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]

Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.

Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.

Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby crying although I have no baby of my own I'm sure there's a youngster somewhere who could use some nursing...[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]

Delilah:[suggestive]That's quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.

Mad Joe Dixon:That's quite a bushel of apples, Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?

Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut them up and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.

Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I'm in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?

Delilah: Why, I haven't the faintiest idea.

Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to take a cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, I remove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just let that cold air hit those balls like a prizefighter hitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda, bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.

Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that you like that wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]

Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I'm stupid! I'm just a big, stupid ox.

Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressing your feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what I like to do? Well, sometimes....sometimes I like to put on my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarry where all the men folk are working, see if someone left a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I just take that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poop in there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake, put it back where I found it.

Mad Joe Dixon: There's also another thing I remembered I liked.

Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.

Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot wash cloth on my balls. That feels good too.

Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!

Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!

[They hug]

Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!

Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!

Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?

Mad Joe Dixon: It's short for Joanne. And I've been known to kill people.

Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.

[Passionate kiss. Romantic music]

Caption: The End

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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