Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 4









07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Fred Armisen

Man.....Fred Armisen
Wife.....Maya Rudolph

Man: I'm having a Date Night with my wife. We're at our favorite restaurant, when I feel my iPhone vibrating. I know exactly who it is.

[ jump cut ]

I excuse myself and I go to the bathroom. It's a text from this woman I've been seeing on the side.

[ jump cut ]

She's beyond hot. She's -- [ searches for the appropriate word ] crazy, and I like a little crazy. She's French-Canadian.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen ]

But with the Address Book feature on my iPhone, I can put her under a different name. I call her “Boyd Tinsley” -- he's the violin player for The Dave Matthews Band? [ shrugs his shoulders ] This way, my wife will never know.

[ jump cut ]

She sends me a picture of her butt. Look at that -- I can zoom in. [ he presses the screen and zooms in on the butt photo ] Oo-oo-oohh! Zoom out.. pinch it.. beautiful!

[ jump cut ]

With one swipe of my finger, I can delete the entire conversation before I get back to the table. It's like she was never there.

[ jump cut ]

She was in Circe de Soleil. What she can do with her body -- ohh! God, I wish my wife wasn't pregnant!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner, as his pregnant wife walks up and calls out to him. He slips his iPhone into his pants pocket and runs to join his wife. ]

Announcer: iPhone makes life easy.

[ fade ]


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