Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

iPhone II

Written by: Bryan Tucker & Jason Sudeikis

Man.....Jason Sudeikis

Man: I own a small stationary store, down in Tribeca.

[ jump cut ]

I've been my own boss for about... [ thinking ] four years now.

[ jump cut ]

I also love to punch cops.

[ jump cut ]

I guess I got a little bit of a problem with authority. [ he chuckles ]

[ jump cut ]

The way it usually goes is: I'll see a cop... punch him... uh... then I run like hell!

[ jump cut ]

You know, finding an escape route after a random act of violence can be tricky.

[ jump cut ]

But with the iPhone, it's super easy. All I have to do is: duck in a bar... hide in a stall in the ladies' room -- usually, because they never check there --

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal an aerial satellite map ]

Then I just bring up Google Maps -- you know, I can look up streets, I can check out traffic --

[ jump cut ]

I can even watch my "pig-punch" videos on Youtube... which is awesome.

[ close-up of his iPhone, as he presses buttons on the screen to reveal various music tools such as album covers ]

With the iPod feature, I've got plenty of tunes to choose from, while I'm coming down from my meth high.

[ jump cut ]

Guess I just want to say... Thanks, iPhone!

[ reveal Man standing in front of black Apple iPhone display on a street corner ]

Man V/O: It's the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

[ he runs a circle around the display, as a pair of cops give chase ]

Man V/O: Well, that and meth.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts