Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Publishers Clearing House

Cheryl Ryan....Kristen Wiig
Carl Bacon....Brian Williams
Pizza delivery guy....Fred Armisen
Jenna Clark....Maya Rudolph
Tommy Gelp....Will Forte
Connie McGee....Amy Poehler

[Opens with overexcited gal with bushy blond hair holding a bunch of colored balloons in one hand, mic on the other]

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, everybody! I am Cheryl Ryan and you're watching the Annual Publishers Clearing House grand prize giveaway special! Oh, this is the biggest prize to date!! 15 million dollars to this year's lucky winner on live television right now!! Come on! I love this shows![gives balloons to someone off camera, runs up the steps on a porch, knocks on door]Oh, God. Here we go.[Man eating an apple opens the door]

Carl Bacon: Hello.

Cheryl Ryan: Hi, I am looking for Mr. Carl Bacon.

Carl Bacon: I'm Carl.

Cheryl Ryan: Well Carl, you have just won the 15 million dollars grand prize from Publishers Clearing House!! Congratulations!!

[Confetti and colored paper ribbons float around. Carl is like nothing happened]

Carl Bacon:[barely audible] Cool.

Cheryl Ryan: Yeah, well I would say that's very cool, yes!! $15 million dollars!! You won!! Yeah!!![no reaction from Carl]Why don't you tell America how does it feel?!

Carl Bacon:[bites apple]It feels great.

Cheryl Ryan: Oh, yeah!! We're on television right now! We're on live TV! Oh, did we come at a bad time?

Carl Bacon: No, I work from inside the house.

Cheryl Ryan: I think your working days are over, sir!! $15 million dollars!! Whoooo!, Ye-e-eah!! Ye-e-e-e-eah![to someone off camera for confetti]Do it again. Oh, we don't have anymore? Yeah, bring me the check, bring me the check.[big ass check for $15 million with Carl's name on it. Cheryl holds it up with calm as hell Carl]Look, there's your name and you've won!! Carl Bacon! Yeah, who-o-o-o!!! Thank you, thank you, ok, all right, well listen why don't you tell us what exciting things you're gonna do with all that money?!

Carl Bacon: Uh, I...nothing comes....

Cheryl Ryan: Whoooo!!! Lots to think about cause you can buy just about anything!![Carl just nods] Traveling?! You can buy cars! I know there must be something you wanna do with all that money!

Carl Bacon:[no emotion]I just this second found out I won so I'll just need time to think about it.

Chery Ryan: Who-o-o-o!!!! Mr. Bacon you are---you are killing me. You are one cool cucumber. We're on tv--[growl from a dry throat] so let's everyone [dry growl] whoa, what is that? Can I--can I get a little bit of water? [someone off camera gives her a glass of water, she drinks some]Ok, sorry. They gave this interview, cause its the biggest prize winner ever....[listen on her earpiece]Ok, yes, yes. Thank you, yeah, ok, right now we are going to show you and all of you at home some of the other winner's from year's past and Carl, watch their reactions cause they do it right, yeah![nothing from Carl]

[Cut to lady in a nightgown and glasses shaking all over with the big ass check on her hands]

Caption: Jenna Clark. 2004 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Jenna Clark: Oh, my God!, oh, my God! I won!! Oh, Lord!! I won!!

[Cut to a guy screaming like a madman, jumps up and down holding the big ass check]

Caption: Tommy Gelp. 2005 Publishers Clearing House Winner.


[Cut to a young blond breaking through her screen door like possessed. Yanks potted plant out by its root, continues running off camera]

Caption: Connie McGee. 2006 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

Connie McGee: Arrrrgh!!!!! Aaaaahhh!!!

[Cut backs to Carl and Cheryl on Carl's porch]

Caption:Carl Bacon. 2007 Publishers Clearing House Winner.

[Cheryl looks for joy in Carl. Nothing.]

Chery Ryan: And now you!!! oh, look, o-o-o-oh! that was....yeeeah....its so exciting, isn't it amazing, Carl?

Carl Bacon:[barely audible]Yes, it was.

Chery Ryan: Well, ok. Its good that you won. Well, things are getting very exciting around here. We...

[A pizza delivery guy approaches the porch holding a pizza and a little cheesy bread box on top]

Pizza delivery guy: Did you order a pizza?

Carl Bacon: What's this?

Pizza delivery guy: Cheesy bread comes with every large pizza this month.

Carl Bacon: I didn't order this.

Pizza delivery guy: Well, it's free.[gives the pizza and cheesy bread to Carl and leaves]

Carl Bacon: Free ch--, free cheesy bread?[Joyous beyond belief] Wow!! I could never get free cheesy bread!! Debbie! We got free cheesy bread!![goes into the house, slams door shut]

[Cheryl gets whatever joy she can from it]

Cheryl Ryan: Well, there you have it! Congratulations Carl! It is so exci---, bring in the balloons![gets the balloons] Its still so exciting! We're--oh, yes...[dry throat growl, Cheryl passes out, falls down]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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