Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Riley's Way

Director.....Jason Sudeikis
Marker.....Bill Hader
Male Student 1.....Andy Samberg
Female Student.....Amy Poehler
Male Student 2.....Kenan Thompson
Principal.....Brian Williams

[ open on exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ dissolve to playground set, where an actress and two actors playing high school students dressed in graduation garb sit on the swings ]

[ the Director steps onto the set ]

Director: Okay, everyone, uh -- well, this is the last shot of our very last episode of "Riley's Way". And, uh -- I -- I -- I just want to say, it's been a pleasure working with each and every one of you on what, for my money, is the BEST high school drama in the history of the CW. [ the three actors are touched ] Alright? That's from here. [ he thumps his chest ] Alright, so here we go. [ he runs off the set ]

Marker: "Riley's Way", Scene 42, take One.

Director's Voice: Annnnnd... ACTION!!

[ "Umbrella" by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It's a funny word. I never thought I'd be saying it.

Male Student 2: I still can't believe it's the end.

Female Student: It's not, Spence. It's the beginning.

[ the actor who plays the Principal saunters onto the set and leans against the swingset with a come-to hither ]

Female Student: Principal Jeffries? Any advice for the future?

Principal: Yes. Live. [ the students laugh as he wraps his arms around them ] Class dismissed, guys.

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Alright, let's cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut! That was great, guys. There was, uh, a small technical problem, so we're gonna have to do that again.

Male Student 2: Aw, man, that was a good take!

Director: I'm sorry.

Male Student 1: Yeah, yeah -- that's WHACK!

Principal: Yeah, that was WHACK! But you know what's NOT gonna be whack? RAP PARTY! [ he chuckles ] I just hope for myself, I don't get all emotional. I remember the rap party when we did "Quantum Leap". I, uh -- I cried like a baby. I told you guys I did "Leap", right?

Female Student: Yeah, I think you mentioned that before.

Principal: But, uh -- I'm gonna miss working with you guys, but we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havestun[?] next week -- bumper boats, anybody?

Male Student 2: [ grits his teeth ] Uh, I don't think we can. I mean, we start shooting the spin-off next week.

Principal: Awesome! No way! Spin-off! That's -- that's GOOD whack! Uh, I wonder, though, why my agent, uh, didn't tell me? I didn't get a call.

Female Student: Oh, uh... it's -- it's called "Riley's Way: The College Years".

Principal: What's... my role gonna be? Does he -- I don't know -- move in with the kids in school, or open up a... pizza parlor in town?

Male Student 1: Yeah, I don't think you're in it!

Principal: [ stunned ] What?

Male Student 1: You're NOT in the spin-off.

Principal: [ stunned ] Okay! Well, then... [ he slinks off the set ]

[ the Director reappears ]

Director: Okay, we're all ready on the set? Let's do it! [ he steps off again ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Two.

Director's Voice: Annnnnd... ACTION!!

[ "Umbrella" by Rihanna pots up ]

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] I still can't believe it's the end.

Female Student: It's not, Spence. It's the beginning. [ looks over her shoulder ] Principal Jeffries?

Principal: [ fuming ] What do you want?

[ the students are stunned by this sudden outburst ]

Female Student: Uhhh -- any advice for the future?

Principal: Yeah, you know what? [ to the students, one at a time ] You can go to Hell -- you can lose ten pounds -- and you're gay!

Male Student 1: What?!

Director: Cut! Cut! Uh -- Barry! Barry, come here, man -- let's have a little chat here. [ the actor steps forward ] Uh -- so, Barry -- Barry, what's with you?

Principal: What's with you, Paul? I just heard about the little spin-off project.

Director: Okay. Now -- now, I'm sorry you had to fidn out about it this way, Barry, but, you know, it's just how the business works! [ he smiles ]

Principal: Let's not talk to me about the business, Paul. I was in "Quantum Leap". Scott Bakula?

Director: I know.

Principal: Yeah!

Director: I know. Look, Barry --

Principal: After ALL I have done for this show... I -- I am on this set every day, whether I have a scene or not... I'm running my lines, I'm running their lines -- writing lines --

Director: Yeah, Barry, we specifically asked you not to do any of those things.

Principal: Well, I'm specifically asking you -- right now -- not to be such a BONE! Put me in the spin-off, please.

Director: Okay, now why -- why would the high school principal go to college with them? Okay, look, look, look, look -- you're a GREAT actor. Okay? You're gonna be fine. You did "Leap". Yuo did "Leap"! I mean -- [ he chuckles ] Now. can we please just get this last shot?

Principal: Alright.

Director: Good! Thank you. [ the Principal exits off the set ] Alright, let's go! Places! [ he steps aside ]

Marker: Scene 42, take Three.

Director's Voice: Annnnnd... ACTION!!

Male Student 1: [ sighs ] Man! I still cannot believe it's the end.

Principal: [ stepping forward ] And I can't believe I didn't get my college degree! [ he laughs, revealing a cap turned sideways across his head ] Back to school soon for old Principal Jeffries! I'll check you fools on the quad! [ stesp aside ] Okay! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Director: Barry, Barry, come in here, please!

Principal: I think we NAILED that one!

Director: No, hey, Barry! Come in here, now! Let's go! [ the Principal steps forward ] Okay, now, Barry -- take off the hat, man! [ the Principal removes his cap ] Okay, now, look -- we're all sorry you're not in the spin-off. But that's just how it works!

Principal: Fine! I mean, I -- I -- I get it. Principal Jeffries was... never the most popular character. Maybe he was just a man.

[ "Umbrella" by Rihanna pots up all of a sudden ]

Director: Hey, Keith, can we kill the music? [ the music turns off ] I'm sorry, Barry, keep going, I couldn't hear you.

Principal: Well, let me tell you about another man. His name was me. And he was -- he was on "Quantum Leap". Twice, in the same episode. I wish all of you here good luck, and may... your next leap be the leap home. Class dismissed.

[ the director and actors applaud ]

Director: Hey, can we get a writer in here? I, uh -- I think Principal Jeffries deserves a new ending.

[ dissolve to exterior, Stage 15 ]

[ "Umbrella" by Rihanna pots up ]

[ dissolve to playground set ]

Male Student 1: Graduation. It's a funny word. I never thought I'd be saying it.

Male Student 2: [ sighs ] I still can't believe it's the end.

Female Student: It's not, Spence. It's the beginning. [ she looks up, as the Marker enters the scene ] Hey! It's that guy that killed Principal Jeffries!

Marker: [ smiling ] Class dismissed!

All: [ as they hug ] Yaaayyyy!!

[ fade ]

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