Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 4

07d: Brian Williams / Feist

Nightly News Theme

Female Executive.....Amy Poehler
.....Brian Williams
Male Executive 1.....Jason Sudeikis
Male Executive 2.....Bill Hader
Dunham.....Will Forte
Farina.....Maya Rudolph
Musician.....Andy Samberg
Larry.....Fred Armisen
Janet.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

[ dissolve to interior, NBC News Headquarters ]

Female Executive: Brian, the numbers are consistent -- we just haven't been able to make any headway with the younger demographic.

Brian Williams: I think that's our whole problem -- the kids are getting their news off the Internet and these... [ says it with mild disgust ] podcasts.

Male Executive 1: I so TOTALLY agree!

Male Executive 2: We should get Mo Rocca to do a nightly Blog report!

Male Executive 1: No, that's -- [ looks toward Brian ]

Brian Williams: Stupid.

Male Executive 1: SO stupid!!

Female Executive: Well, what about the open?

Brian Williams: Well, I'm so glad you asked. That's where we need to be fresh and new. I've hired Dunham & Kirk to come up with something new for us.

Male Executive 2: The Dunham & Kirk?

Brian Williams: Uh, well -- yes. [ presses intercom button ] Mrs. Dunham... can you send in Dunham & Kirk?

[ a pack of studio musicians enter the boardroom and congregate at the head of the table ]

Brian Williams: Well, you're the -- you're the magic makers, they tell me. Why don't you show me what you've got.

Dunham: Great! You are not gonna believe the juicy tracks we've jammed out for this gig! Now, uh -- here's your news theme now: [ to the tune of the NBC Nightly News theme ] "Bore -- bore -- boring! Boring, boring, boring!" Okay, and now... here's your news theme with a funky twist. Hit it, Farina!

Farina: [ as the studio musicians jam ]
"It's a low-down, dir-tee cit-tay!
Gettin' down to the nit-ty grit-tay!
Baby, though you're no good at this may-lay [ ?? ]
You got no corn-bread and candy jel-lay [ ?? ]
[ ??? ]
[ ??? ]
Nightly News!"

Brian Williams: That was -- that was awfully urban. Do you have anything else?

Musician: Yeah. Check this out!
[ sings variant of "Frasier" ]
"Baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tosses salad and scrambled eggs.
Night-ly Newwwwwwws, oh my!"

Brian Williams: [ beside himself ] That's clearly the theme from "Frasier".

Musician: [ smirks ] Bust-ed!

Brian Williams: I -- I need something young, yes -- but -- but dignified.

Dunham: Dignified? We got dignified comin' out our ass! Larry, show 'em what we got in the Dignified Department! Hardcore rap!

Larry: Yeah, check it out. [ raps ]
"Brian Williams takin' up the ho-mie!
Pumpin' cherries like a horny bunny!
Smokin' blunts and drinkin' all the forties!
And now we'll make some mo-nay!"

Male Executive 2: Ooh-ooh! I like that!

Female Executive: No. Really, really stupid.

Dunham: Uh, we know that... and that's why we came up with this. Janet?

Janet: Oh, you're gonna love this. [ in a mellow tone ]
"Kittycats, old-fashioned spats.
A ball of yarn and happy chats.
A la-a-a-a-a-and of color... and yooooooouuuu."

Brian Williams: You know what? We're -- we're -- we're flailing. Enough of that. What happened to the idea I sent you for an opening segment?

Dunham: [ confused ] We didn't see any idea from you.

Male Executive 2: I thought we all agreed your idea wasn't... that... good?

Female Executive: Yeah, we didn't think we would really go with that. [ to Dunham & Kirk ] What else do you guys have?

Brian Williams: It may be easy for you, but, at the end of the day, it's my name on the masthead --

Male Executive 1: It's HIS name.

Brian Williams: And I put myself OUT THERE every evening to this nation, and I'd like to go with my idea, and that's it.

Male Executive: I -- I think it's a GREAT idea! It's a super genius idea, sir!

[ dissolve to the opening of "NBC Nightly News" ]

Brian Williams: On the broadcast tonight, the War in Iraq. Will is spill over into Iran? As winter approaches, how much will we all be paying to heat our homes this year? And the new numbers out from the Fed -- are we heading into a recession? "Nightly News" begins now.

[ cut to James Bond-style graphics of Brian Williams in dark silhoette attacking his enemies with the news, as girls sing and dance around a tuxedo-clad Brian Williams amid action sequences ]

"Watch out, World, 'cause here comes The Williams!
Look out, World, 'cause here comes The Williams!
Watch out, Bad Guys, 'cause here comes The Williams!
Kickin' and a-punchin', that's Brian Williams!
Night! Ly! News!
Brian Williams!"

[ cut to Brian Williams behind his newsdesk ]

Brian Williams: I'm Brian Williams, and that's how I roll.

[ fade ]

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