Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5









07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

What's That Bitch Talking About?

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Gregory DuBois.....Kenan Thompson
Richard Dinwiddie.....Bill Hader
Katherine Bagwell.....Tina Fey
Model 1.....Amy Poehler
Model 2.....Casey Wilson
Model 3.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: It's time for the fun game of interpretation! "What's That Bitch Talking About?" Adn here's your host -- Gregory DuBois!

Gregory DuBois: Hello, everyone! And welcome to "What's That Bitch Talking About?" We got two contestants ready to play! [ show each contestant at introduction ] He's a medical researcher from Baltimore, Maryland. Please welcome Richard Dimwitty! And our returning champion -- an editorial assistant from Scottsdale, Arizona. Plase welcome Katherine Bagwell. Okay, contestants, you both know the rules: by the end of the game, someone's gonna walk away with a 1992 canary-yellow Mazda Protege. [ show slide of the car ] Are you ready?

Katherine Bagwell: Yes!

Richard Dinwiddie: Uh-huh.

Gregory DuBois: Let's play "What's That Bitch Talking About?" Listen up, contestants, here we go!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Because I SAW him! Were you there? Well, then, you don't know! You didn't see the mess! The couch was ruined. I'm taking him back there, that's what! No, they're not! I'm gonna tell them to switch it! To SWITCH it!!

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Richard -- [ shrugs his shoulders ] What's That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: Okay, I -- I -- I heard her say something about a mess? And maybe some kind of, uh -- some kind of a purchase? Is she angry that someone spilled a drink on her?

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Ohhhh! I am sorry. Katherine, you want to take a shot?

Katherine Bagwell: Yeah, um -- it sounds like she took her dog to the vet, and he gave her dog the wrong medicine, which made him sick.

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: CORRECT!! You're on the board! Alright! Here comes the next challenge!

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 2 yelling toward the audience ]

Model 2: It ain't my fault! I told him FOUR days ago! Well, then you tell her to get her ay-ass back on over here and unload all those vacuum cleaners herself! No, I don't CARE!! She can go ahead! Y'all don't even want to SEE what I gotta DO if I gotta come back there!! Y'all don't even WANT to see what my ah-ass --

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: [ stunned ] What's THAT bitch talking about, Richard?

Richard Dinwiddie: Uhhh -- she's obviously having a bad day of some kind. I-I-I'm gonna say she's angry... at -- at her mother.

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She works at Wal-Mart, and they want her to stay through her entire shift, but she can't because she has to leave early to pick up her boyfriend who's got his license suspended for driving under the influence of Oxycontin.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is bewildered by the exactness of Katherine's answer ]

Gregory DuBois: Excellent! EXcellent! You're in the lead! Okay, let's go on to our next clue.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 3 speaking into her princess phone ]

Model 3: Okay... okay... okay...

[ the curtain closes ]

Gregory DuBois: Richard -- What's That Bitch Talking About?

Richard Dinwiddie: I -- I -- I have no idea, I don't know how anyone --

[ buzzer ]

Gregory DuBois: Awww. That's wrong. Katherine?

Katherine Bagwell: She's getting directions to a margarita party, to celebrate her graduation from DeVry. She's looking forward to it, but she's a little apprehensive because the ghostly warnings of her father, the fisherman, still echo in the back of her mind.

[ dinger ]

[ Richard is again bewildered by Katherine's display ]

Gregory DuBois: A-mazing! Katherine, you're going on to our solo round! Richard, thanks for playing; you'll be going home with "What's That Bitch Talking About?" the home edition. Thank you very much, thank you very much. [ Richard exits the set ] Katherine? [ Katherine runs forward ] Okay, Katherine, this, time, instead of asking you What's That Bitch Talking About?, I'll be asking you "Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?"

Katherine Bagwell: Got it, Gregory!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, get three in a row, and the canary-yellow Protege is yours. Can I get thirty seconds on the clock? Here we go.

[ curtain pulls back to reveal Model 1 speaking on her cell phone ]

Model 1: Yeah, well, I told them, "Just take it down, or I'm never giving them my business again!"

Gregory DuBois: Who's That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: The Queen of Sheba?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: And I told her, "Go ahead, MOVE IN with him! Ruin your life and your future!"

Gregory DuBois: Who's That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: My dad!

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: Correct! Next one!

Model 1: Ugh, I would not be caught DEAD in that dress, the color palette is DREADFUL!

Gregory DuBois: Okay, Katherine -- for the canary-yellow 1993 Mazda Protege... Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?

Katherine Bagwell: Wow, I'm gonna say... Heidi frickin' Klum?

[ dinger ]

Gregory DuBois: YES!! Congratulations!! You will be going home with the Protege, and ONE free gallon of gasoline! Congratulations!

[ Katherine's relatives join her on stage ]

Gregory DuBois: Thank you very much, folks! Be sure to watch in about twenty minutes for another episode of... "What's That Bitch Talking About?" Okay, bye now!

[ fade ]


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