Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

Rock of Love II

Bret Michaels....Jason Sudeikis
Amber....Amy Poehler
Daisy....Tina Fey
Christy Jo....Casey Wilson
Peyton....Kristen Wiig
Big John....Fred Armisen

[Rock beat. Montage of reality show Rock of Love II. Cut to Bret Michaels, singer of 80's hair band Poison. He has a red handkerchief that covers his head and forehead. Cowboy hat on. In the house there are Gold records hanging from the walls.]

Bret Michaels: This has been the toughest season ever in the two seasons of "Rock of Love". I'm just having a devil of a time deciding which one of this smoking hot, hotties is my one true love and sex mate. You know, its days like this I wish I wasn't Bret Michaels but I am. So I'm just doing what any other regular guy would do to find love---have VH-1 fill a McMansion in Reseda with dicey strippers, put them in bikinis and then have them smash dirt bikes into each other. What can I say? I'm a romantic.

[Cut to shot of the outside pool. Cut again into the mansion. Three young women stand side by side in some steps. Candles burn in the wall behind them. Bret Michaels stands in front of them. He has an acoustic guitar with him, sits on a stool]

Bret Michaels: Ladies, this has been a long road and you're all amazing women. But one of you has to go home tonight because---[sings and plays the guitar his signature ballad "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"]Every rose has its thorn...

[Cut to one of the girls confessionals. Daisy is a dirty blond, tattooed groupie. She is stoned or drunk and holds a drink in her hand]

Caption: Daisy

Daisy:[rambling] When I first met Bret I was like "Oh my God he's the man of my dreams" and I was like "I hope he picks me" and then I was like "did someone slip something in my drink?" and then I was like "where am I?" and then I was like "oh, yeah, we're at Bret's house".[takes a sip of her drink and drools all over herself]

[Cut to Bret singing]

Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every night has its dawn....

[Cut to Peyton's confessional. Peyton is a crazy eyed groupie. Dressed in black, tank top, unkempt look on her]

Caption: Peyton

Peyton: I'm just getting really scared cause Bret and I aren't connecting and that's because Bret and I haven't had enough face-time! The only time we did get face-time I tried to kiss him and he pushed my face away and that guy will make out with anything. One time I saw him making out with a pair of sweat pants!! Face-time!!

[Cut to Bret singing]

Bret Michaels:[sings] Just like every cowboy/sings a sad,sad song/ every rose has its thorn....

[In hops beautiful, blond, rude, leg amputee Amber. She hops on her one leg with a McDonald's bag in her hand chewing her food.]

Amber: Yeah, I'm late, I'm late! Who cares?! I'm also hot and I'm rocking one leg! Jealous?![throws gang signs]

[Cut to Amber's confessional]

Caption: Amber

Amber: Here's why I'm going to win Bret's heart. I can do the worm, I've served jail time, I got mad skin tags and I'm rocking one leg, bro'! So, which one of you bitches is coming in second?

[Cut to Bret and the girls]

Bret Michaels: I got four beautiful ladies here and I've only got three passes so--[gets hit with something]-hey, what was that?

Amber: What?! Are you blind?! It was a chicken McNugget!

Bret Michaels: Amber, why would you do that?

Amber: Because I need attention.

Bret Michaels: Look Amber, I got to tell you, I just can't figure you out.

Amber: Good! I don't wanna be figured out!

Bret Michaels: You're very complicated.

Amber: You're very complicated!

Bret Michaels: And you only got one leg.

Amber: Duh!!

Bret Michaels: Which I got to say, I find a little sexy.

Amber: Yeah, I know you do.

[Amber empties the MacDonald's bag into her mouth. A mess of fries and McNuggets hit her face. A fry dangles from her mouth]

[Christy Jo is another hopeful and the only one slightly attractive. She's a desperate one]

Christy Jo:[almost crying]I just want to say that I'm here for you, Bret!

Daisy: Oh my God, I'm at Bret's house!

Peyton: I just need some face-time!

[Bret grimaces]

Bret Michaels: OK. Big John, can I have the first pass, please?

[Dramatic piano music. Big John has a do rag on his head. He walks in and hands Bret a necklace.]

Big John: You got it, Bret Michaels.[leaves]

[A shot of the girls. Christy Jo has her fingers crossed, Peyton has a crazy stare on her face, Daisy is barely conscious and Amber picks her teeth with her fingernails]

Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, will you come down here, please?

Christy Jo: Ooh!![Christy Jo walks down the couple of steps and joins Bret]

Bret Michaels: Christy Jo, do you promise to stay in my house and continue to rock my world? [puts on the necklace/pass on Christy Jo]

Christy Jo: Oh my God! Of course,[hyperventilates between pauses] I'm--so--here--for--you!!

Bret Michaels: Good. But remember what I told you. I need to to get to know the inside of your mouth better.

Christy Jo: Ok.

[They sloppily suck each others tongues. Christy Jo makes a kind of disgusted face, goes back to her place on the steps]

Bret Michaels: Yeah, yeah. Big John, can I get the next pass, please?

Big John: I got it right here, Bret Michaels.[leaves]

Bret Michaels: Thanks Big John. Peyton, will you get down here, please?

Peyton: Face-time!![goes down the steps and joins Bret]

Bret Michaels: All right, here's your pass. Now look, I need to pick three people this week, so you're staying but I can't reiterate enough how unattracted I am to you.[Peyton tries to get close to Bret's face, he puts his hand on her face pushing her back] No, no.

Peyton: FACE-TIME![leaves]

[Bret wipes his hand on his jacket]

Bret Michaels: All right, I only got one pass left.

Amber: Good. I only got one leg left.

Bret Michaels: Big John.

Big John: Bret Michaels.[gives the last necklace/pass to Bret and leaves]

Bret Michaels: Daisy, will you come down here, please? [Daisy joins Bret]Daisy?

Daisy: Yeah?

Bret Michaels: Daisy I uh--[Daisy tries to pick under Bret's bandanna]no, no, no. Don't. Trust me. Look Daisy, will you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?

Daisy: Oh, my God! Yeah! I love you Bret, I love you more than anything, ba, ba, ba, ba [mumbles incoherently, Bret kisses her in the mouth and she continues to ramble on. He blows air on her face. She goes back to her place on the steps]

Bret Michaels: That's good. That was real good. It felt good. It looked good. Ok, Amber, I'm afraid that means your tour ends here.

Amber: Good.

Bret Michaels: Will you come down here, please?

Amber: Fine. I was going that way anyway.

[Amber hops down to Bret and with each hop, she farts]

[Hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft, hop, pffft]

Bret Michaels: I'm sorry, Amber. Are you farting?

Amber: Yeah, I farted. Jealous?[makes gang signs]

Bret Michaels: Am I jealous that you're farting?

[Amber raises her hip, loud fart, pffffft!]

Bret Michaels: Amber, it is time for you to go.

Amber: Yeah, I know it is time for me to go and I'm late! I got a million shows lined up that I'm gonna hop on over to find love. "I Love New York", "Flavor of Love", "Celebrity Rehab", "Scott Baio is 50", "Tim Gunn", "Dog Whisperer", "The Perfect Shot", "The Real Housewives", "How Clean is your House" and "Cash Cab"! Because you know who has two thumbs, one leg and has the skills to pay the bills?[points her thumbs at herself]This guy! Yeah, Boy-hee!![throws gang signs] Uh-oh![loses her balance and falls to the floor face first]

[Rock of Love II logo]

[Cheers and Applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts