Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 5







07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

An SNL Digital Short

Kevin (Grandson 1).....Bill Hader
Thomas (Grandson 2).....Andy Samberg

Announcer: The following is a message for old people.

Grandpa: Hi. Has this ever happened to you? (shows him watching TV) Youíre watching a movie and you get confused or scared, because you donít recognize anyone. Well, youíre not alone. I used to get scared all the time. But not anymore. Because my wife took all the movies and put my grandkids in them. (shows Kevin and Thomas) Theyíre good boys, and theyíre pretty good actors, and now, you can enjoy them, too. Because Iím selling copies of what my wife did (holds up CD). Check out this scene from "No Country for Old Men".

Employee 1: Yíall gettiní any rain up here in a while?

Employee 2: What business is it of yours, where Iím from? Frendo.

Grandkids: Hi Grandpa! Hi!

Grandpa: Did you see them? Theyíre the ones behind the counter. Thank God my wife did that. I love her so much, even though we sleep in separate beds now. Check out this scene from Michael Clayton.

George Clooney: Right now, thereís a BCI unit pulling pay chips of a Ė (phone rings).

Thomas: That phoneís in the movie, Grandpa. Thatís not your phone.

Kevin: Donít get it.

Thomas: Your okay.

Kevin: Okay?

Thomas: Hi!

Kevin: Hi!

Grandpa: You know, I like how it was them instead of some stranger in the movie. How about these other films and the new words theyíre saying. I donít understand anything, like in this scene from "Juno".

Employee: Third test today, mama bear. Your eggo is preggo.

Thomas: Heís saying that he thinks sheís pregnant, grandpa.

Employee: Your little boyfriendís get meat in sperms, knocked you up twice.

Thomas: Iím not actually sure what he meant that time, Grandpa. Hang on.

Employee: That ainít gonna let you sketch, this is one doodle that canít be undid, homeskillet.

Thomas: Okay, fast-forward, Grandpa, it gets better.

Kevin: Hi Grandpa!

Grandpa: You know, they also give me a heads-up when things get a bit chaotic. Now take this scene from "The Transforming Robots".

(Action takes place)

Soldier: MOVE!

(Several explosions take place)

Kevin: Turn it off, Grandpa, itís too intense.

Thomas: Too much action!

Kevin: The green button!

Kevin and Thomas: The green button!

Kevin: Turn it off, this isnít real, grandpa.

Grandpa: Now what about volume? Itís either too loud or too quiet. Like in "There Will be Blood".

Creepy Guy: Well if itís in me, itís in you. The ties are my... (Kevin and Thomas walk across screen when heís talking) ... when I see people, I see nothing worth liking.

Grandpa: Isnít that nice? Having my grandkids in that movie instead of some stinko, you canít remember their name? Now weíve got all you favorite movies right here (shows 5 DVDís). So please, buy my DVDís that my wife made, and donít be scared anymore.


Submitted by: Snlfreak92


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