Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 5

07e: Tina Fey / Carrie Underwood

NBC Celebrity Apprentice

Donald Trump....Darrell Hammond
Jennifer Tilly....Kristen Wiig
Ted Allen....Jason Sudeikis
Charles Barkeley....Kenan Thompson
Rachel Ray....Casey Wilson
Mary Jo Buttafucco....Tina Fey
John Mark Karr....Bill Hader
Gene Simmons....Fred Armisen
Matthew Lesko....Andy Samberg
Creepy Old Dancing Guy from The Six Flags Commercials....Amy Poehler
Judge Lance Ito....Will Forte

Announcer: Hollywood is back to work and so is NBC[The Hollywood sign, NBC offices and logo]with all the shows you've been missing. Just check out our new re-vamped Thursday night line-up.

Caption: Thursday.

Announcer: At 8:00 its an all new "Celebrity Apprentice" [The O'Jays "For the love of money" plays. Celebrity Apprentice logo]Can "Queer Eye's" Ted Allen survive the wrath of the Donald?

[Cut to Donald Trump sitting at his boardroom table and Ted Allen and Jennifer Tilly sit in front of him]

Donald Trump: Team Strike Force Dragon. Your task was to invent a new flavor of gushers. America's leader in gummy fruit snacks. You came up with the parma-berry. Jennifer Tilly, what is a parma-berry?

Jennifer Tilly: Its Parmesan cheese and boysenberry.

Donald Trump: Ted Allen from "Queer Eye". I was told you were the gay guy with good taste. What gives?

Ted Allen: Well, I really thought the combination of the citrus with the ripeness of Parmesan would create a surprising mouth feel.

Donald Trump: It was gross! My daughter said it was the smelliest thing she ever put in her mouth! Guess what? You're f---[scene freezes]

Announcer: Who knows what will happen next?

Caption: NBC Premiere Event

Announcer: Then at 9:00 its a special NBC "Celebrity Apprentice. The New Breed"

Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. The New Breed.

Announcer: With Greg Allman[photo], Mario Cantone[photo], Ron Popeil[photo], 1979 "Penthouse Pet of the Year" Cheryl Rixon,[photo], Lou Bega[photo] and Jaleel White[photo]. But first in the boardroom its The Food Network's Rachel Ray and Sir Charles Barkeley.

[Cut to the boardroom. Rachel smiles big, open mouthed and Charles stares at her with dumb look on him]

Donald Trump: Team Righteous Fist of Harmony. This week I instructed you to come up with a dynamic new ad campaign for barefoot cruises. America's premier clothing-optional cruise line. They're dynamite. They're really dynamite.Charles Barkeley, what did you come up with?

Charles Barkeley: OK. Barefoot Cruises. "Its a new fangle, for your old dingle dangle".

Donald Trump: Its not sexy. We're talking barefoot cruises. Its classy, erotic, like bearskin rugs and three-cheese fondue! Rachel Ray?

Rachel Ray: Ooh! FONDUE! YUM-MERS! You could eat so much they should call it FON-DON'T![braying laugh]

Charles Barkeley: Oh, Rachel Ray, you're a national treasure. Hey, I got one. Barefoot Cruises, "feel the breeze without your dungarees". OK, I'm fired.[gets up to leave]

Announcer: At 9:30 we mix it up with "Celebrity Apprentice Special Victims Unit".

Caption: Celebrity Apprentice. Special Victims Unit.

Announcer: With Keith Patton, Mary Jo Buttafucco and the creepy JonBenet Ramsey guy John Mark Karr.

[In the boardroom sits Mary Jo Buttafucco with her crooked mouth, mangled face and the creepy, unblinking pederast John Mark Karr. A cop stands behind them]

Donald Trump: Your job is to produce and market your own sex tape. John Mark Karr, I gotta be honest, you give me the willies, man. And not in a good way.

John Mark Karr:[deep voice] Really? Well, I always thought I had an innate, natural charisma. [stares ahead like the living dead]

Donald Trump: Yuck. Mary Jo Buttafucco, your husband Joey made a very, very classy sex film. Why didn't you ask him for advice?

Mary Jo Buttafucco:[crooked speech] Well, for obvious reasons we're not on speaking terms.

Donald Trump: Welly, why? Did something happen between you two?

Mary Jo Buttafucco: Well, he had sex with an underage girl and then she came to my house and shot me in the face.

Donald Trump: I'm very sorry to hear that. You're fired. What do you think of sex tapes surprising new Celebrity Judge Gene Simmons?

[KISS bassist Gene Simmons sits beside Donald, eye shades on]

Gene Simmons: If you want to make a hot sex tape you've got to follow the Gene Simmons holy trinity of sex tapes. Lock the camera down, keep your shirt on and bless the foreigner.[lowers his shades and gives a demonic smirk] That's guaranteed to keep every sex tape moist.

Announcer: Then from 9:30 to 9:45 "Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial" with Matthew Lesko.

Caption: Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial

[Matthew Lesko has his book "Free Money" on his hands. His suit is designed with dollar signs painted on it. Glasses, wild hair]

Matthew Lesko: The government will give you 20,000 dollars to write your own opera!! BUY MY BOOK!

Announcer: And the creepy old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.

[Creepy old dancing guy has thick black eyeglasses, bald head, big nose and a tuxedo on]

Creepy Old Dancing Guy: Mr. Trump, I'm just thrilled to have the opportunity to demonstrate my business acumen.

Donald Trump: Are you gonna dance for us, old man?

Creepy Old Dancing Guy: I'd rather not.

Donald Trump: Then you're fired. Isn't that right Shocking Celebrity Judge from the O.J. Simpson trial and I might add--The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Judge Lance Ito?

[Judge Ito raises his gavel]

Judge Lance Ito:[sing-song]I brought my own gave-e-e-el!!

[NBC logo]

Announcer: NBC. Where quality happens.

[Music from the Six Flags commercials plays]

[The Creepy Old Dancing Guy dances wildly besides The Donald. Donald looks at him for a moment then turns to the camera]

Donald Trump: Its gonna be huge. Hu-u-u-u-uge!!

[Cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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