Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 6

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 1st, 2008

Ellen Page



Vincent D'Onofrio

Hillary Clinton

Rudolph Giuliani

Democratic Debate
Summary: News anchors continue to fawn over Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) while giving Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) during their latest Democratic debate. Afterwards, the real Hillary Clinton gives an editorial response to the sketch.

Bio: Vincent D'Onofrio (1959-). Actor; portrayed Private Leonard "Gomer Pyle" Lawrence in "Full Metal Jacket" (1987); has starred as Det. Robert Goren on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent", since 2001.

Bio: Hillary Clinton (1947-). Politician; served as First Lady under President Bill Clinton, 1993-2001; served as senator for New York, since 2001.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Tim Russert, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton.


Ellen Page's Monologue
Summary: Former stripper and "Juno" screenwriter Diablo Cody (Andy Samberg) chides Ellen Page for not using the wacky-worded monologue she wrote for the occasion.

Bio: Ellen Page (1987-). Actress; nominated as Best Actress for starring in "Juno".


The Dakota Fanning Show
Summary: After taking to the street to discuss real issues with real kids, Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) welcomes "Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus (Ellen Page) to the program.

Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In "The Obama Files", Barack Obama stays one step ahead to keep former Democratic also-rans Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton away from his campaign trail.

The College For Excellence
Summary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) touts the fully-serious business school that teaches the phrases which will guarantee success a the office.


The Other Boleyn Girls
Summary: The roster of Boleyn sisters descends from the attractive Anne (Ellen Page) to a hideous man-in-drag (Kenan Thompson).

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: During a series of nightmares, a young woman (Ellen Page) continuously sees a crazed psycho (Andy Samberg) in "The Mirror".


Wilco performs "Hate It Here"
Bio: Chicago rock band formed in the wake of alternative country group Uncle Tupelo in 1994; members: Jeff Tweedy, John Stirratt, Nels Cline, Glenn Kotche, Pat Sansone, Mikael Jorgensen.


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani declares it was his appearance in drag while hosting "Saturday Night Live" ten years earlier that cost him his bid for the Republican nomination. Comedian Nicolas Fehn (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Fehn.

Shopping with Virginiaca
Summary: Virginiaca (Kenan Thompson) goes shopping.

Recurring Characters: Virginiaca.


The Continuing Adventures of Peter Pan
Summary: Captain Hook's (Bill Hader) plans for revenge on Peter Pan (Ellen Page) go awry when his pirates join the chorus of Lost Boys.


Wilco performs "Walken"

The Melissa Etheridge Experience
Summary: When Marty (Ellen Page) is super-psyched after returning from a Melissa Etheridge concert, her boyfriend Rico (Andy Samberg) thinks she turned gay.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary: Field reporter (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, where her desk anchors (Will Forte, Ellen Page) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch will also be cut from next week's dress rehearsal.

Roger Clemens Presents
Summary: Roger Clemens (Jason Sudeikis) has written a play that demonstrates the results of not letting baseball players use steroids.

Note: This sketch will air on next week's episode hosted by Amy Adams.

Office Presentation

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