Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 6

07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

The College For Excellence

Representative....Fred Armisen
Student/Businessman....Kenan Thompson
Student/Secretary 1....Ellen Page
Student/Secretary 2....Kristen Wiig
Clueless Student....Andy Samberg

[Opens with an office. A guy in a suit and tie enters with some files on his hands. He appears nervous. The 2 secretaries sitting at the desks appear a little robot-like. Tentative behavior]

Businessman: I have the Anderson files. Should I put them on the desk?

Secretary 1: Oh, the Anderson files. File them for the meeting.

Secretary 2: I hope Johnson's gonna be there. His briefcase is full of those files.

[A guy enters the frame in a suit and tie also and thumbs to the office scene behind him]

Representative: How is that for professional speak? Most people would enter that situation and be intimidated. But you don't have to be. Learn the ins and the outs of the business world by enrolling in The College For Excellence.

[Shot of The College For Excellence. It is on top of the Korean Savings Bank]

[Back to the office scene]

Representative: I know what you're saying. "Ha,ha,ha. Look how cheap that place looks. That's so tacky looking". Well, laugh it up because actually real estate New York is like that. There's all kinds of situations where one business is right on top of another. That's just the way it is here. Here at The College For Excellence you will learn respected terminology[a clueless student opens the door and wanders around behind the representative for the college, he fumbles some fliers in the bulletin board] that businessmen use all around the world. Terms like: "Where are the Johnson files?" [signals for the change of cue card, the clueless student looks at the camera, walks out] "Are you going to that meeting at 8 a.m.?"[signals]"Fax this for me, please"[signals]"Fax this for me, please"[signals]"Let's get in the elevator, everybody"[signals]"Give me those files and I'll give you these"[signals]"Renee, can you get Maclunahan on the phone?"[signals twice, clueless student enters again and wanders around]"Write a proposal ASAP, please"[signals]"We should meet that dead line"[signals, clueless student goes out the door again looking directly into the camera]"It went to voice mail"

Student/Secretary 1: [tentative] I learned all kinds of terms at The College For Excellence. "I sent that mass e-mail and I cc'd everybody"[student/businessman enters the frame to say something but pulls back] "Dial her extension", "That's a private matter", "I just used the copier, here you go"

Student/Businessman: [nervous] I, I learned expressions such as: "That's their loss", "Well, I wasn't told about that"[Student/Secretary 2 mouths the expressions next to Student/Businessman] "These files all have to be updated" "These can be shred" "I put it in your drawer" "Talk to his assistant" "That's not my concern, talk to his assistant"

Representative: That's right. I'll even show you physical things like how to handle over files.

Student/Businessman: Here you go.[gives the files to Student/Secretary 2]

Student/ Secretary 1: This one?

Student/Businessman: [gives files back to Student/Secretary 1] Yes.

Representative: It's The College For Excellence and you should enroll now! Do it!

3 Students: Do it!

Representative: [very sincere] Yeah, hey, um, you know, I know a lot of you, you know, smart guys from colleges who have a high-paying jobs, you know, you guys are all laughing at this, you know, you're saying to your friends "Oh, this late night commercials, they're so cheesy, ha,ha,ha" But, you know,um, this is a decent establishment and it really helps some people.[clueless student wanders in again, he talks with the other student behind the College For Excellence representative] And I seen it work. And if its not for you, then great, move on. But you know, you don't go sending this around on e-mail going:"Oh, look at this, you should see this place. Its stupid. Heh,heh,heh" Don't do that, you know, so[signals] roll the end part. Thank you. Thanks a lot.

[Shot of The College For Excellence logo]

Announcer: That's The College For Excellence on 33rd street. Between 6th avenue and 7th. Above the Korean bank. It's a decent establishment, so enroll! If its not for you, then great, move on.


[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts