Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 6












07f: Ellen Page / Wilco

An SNL Digital Short

Young Woman.....Ellen Page
Crazed Psycho.....Andy Samberg
Wolfman.....Will Forte
Dracula.....Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Lieberstein.....Kristen Wiig

Night. A young woman lies asleep in bed.

Suddenly, she jolts up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

She enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

She turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As she closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of a crazed psycho appears in the mirror behind her.

A sharp music sting sounds

The pyscho has disappeared once the young woman turns around to inspect the bathroom.

Young Woman: [ frightened ] Hello?

She catches her breath, then lowers her head toward the sink so she can rinse her face with the fresh tap water

She raises her head to reveal the crazed psycho standing once again behind her reflection in the mirror

Music sting

The young woman turns around again to look, but no one is there. She returns her gaze to the mirror, but hers is the only reflection within it. She rubs her eyes. As she does, the psycho rises behind her in the mirror's reflection.

Music sting

She turns around again, but there's no one behind her. She returns her gaze to the mirror, and there waits the crazed psycho.

Music sting, as she screams

Her gaze returns to the mirror. Music sting -- there he is.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed holding a Mai Tai in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed holding a huge lollipop in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed lifting two-pound hand weights in each hand before disappearing.

She screams and gasps. She returns her gaze to the mirror; the psyxho is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief, then checks the reflection again. Still no psycho.

She turns around and the psycho is now standing directly behind her in the bathroom.

Music sting.

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

She re-enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light. The psycho is sitting in the dark, on the toilet, reading a newpaper. He's embarrassed by her sudden intrusion.

Crazed Psycho: Oh, God! someone's in here... someone's in here!

In his own bed, the crazed psycho jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, screaming. He breathes heavily until he's certain there is no danger.

He enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

He turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As he closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of the young woman, smiling, appears in the mirror behind him.

Music sting, as he screams.

Back in bed, together, the young woman and the crazed psycho jolt up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and looking at one another with slight trepidation. They cautiously move their fingers to touch one another, to make sure the other is real.

Music sting as their fingers touch, and a werewolf rises from the sheets betweem them. They both scream, and the werewolf suddenly disappears.

In his bed, Dracula jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat. He breathes heavily until he's certain there is no danger. Another music sting, as Debbie Lieberstein jolts up in bed next to him, breathing heavily.

Dracula: Are you okay?

Debbie Lieberstein: I just remembered my Mom's birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot to get her something.

Dracula: Oh... oh, whoa, whoa, baby, we'll think of something...

Debbie Lieberstein: [ she sighs ] You promise?

Dracula: Yeah. I promise.

Debbie Lieberstein: I love you, Dracula.

Dracula: [ he chuckles ] Oh, I love you, Debbie Lieberstein!

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

Music sting, as the crazed psycho rises from the side of the bed and they scream simultaneously.

Fade.


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