Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7










07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Clinton Attack Ad

Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler

[ open on Hillary Clinton seated behind desk in her office ]

Hillary Clinton: I'm Hillary Clinton... and I approved this unfair -- and deceptive -- message.

[ dissolve to negative ad ]

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] This Election Is About Change.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] But It'd Also About something Else.

Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] Experience.

[ dissolve to U.S. Senate Building, 3am, as the phone rings ]

Announcer: It's 3am. Across our country, kids are sound asleep. But, somewhere in the nation's capitol, a phone is ringing. Your vote will decide... who answers that call.

[ the phone is answered is a darkened bedroom ]

Hillary Clinton's Voice: Hello?

Operator's Voice: Senator Clinton? I have President Obama on the line.

Hillary Clinton's Voice: I'll take it.

[ reveal photos of Barack Obama using the phone ]

Barack Obama's Voice: Uh... Hillary? I'm sorry to call this late again, but... I need your help.

[ interchange between the Obama photos and Clinton, dressed in beauty mask, curlers and grannie pajamas, sitting up in bed ]

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, what can I do?

[ SUPER: "Dramatization" ]

Barack Obama's Voice: The CIA has just confirmed that Iran has created a nuclear device. It looks like the Russians, the North Koreans, and Hugo Chavez has been helping them.

Hillary Clinton: I was afraid of that. When did this start.

Barack Obama's Voice: Apparently, the day I was sworn in. [ angered ] Those mother[bleep]!! Those [bleep]!! I trusted them! I gave them my complete and total trust! And they [bleep] LIED to me!!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President --

Barack Obama's Voice: Oh, my God! I am so [bleep]!! What do I do, Hillary? What do I do?!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, you can start by getting a hold of yourself.

Barack Obama's Voice: [ crying ] I ca-an't!! Don't you see that I'm in a panic?! A blind, unreasoning, inexperienced PANIC!!

Hillary Clinton: For God's sake, Mr. President! Man up! Calm down and listen!

Barack Obama's Voice: Okay...

[ SUPER: "Dramatization" ]

Hillary Clinton: First of all, go to our key allies -- the British, the Germans, the French -- and show them our Intelligence.

Barack Obama's Voice: Whoa, hold on -- I'm writing this down! "French... show Intelligence..." Uh-huh. Go on.

Hillary Clinton: The Russians will back down. Helping Iran is a clear violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

Barack Obama's Voice: The what Treaty?!

Hillary Clinton: Ask the Secretary of State. He can explain it.

Barack Obama's Voice: Al Sharpton? Uh... between you, me, and the lamp -- not my best appointment.

Hillary Clinton: Well, what's done is done.

Barack Obama's Voice: Right. Chalk it up to inexperience.

Hillary Clinton: By the way, Mr. President, you sound a little stressed. [ yelling ] You're not SMOKING again, are you?!

Barack Obama's Voice: [ aghast, as he holds a cigarette in his photo ] No, I'm not smoking!

Hillary Clinton: You better not be!

Barack Obama's Voice: Well, I'm not. Anyway, thanks again. I do apologize for calling so often.

Hillary Clinton: I don't mind, Mr. President. It's for the good of the country. Although, if this is going to be a regular thing, I feel as though I should get paid or something. Because it's, like, you know, every night!

Barack Obama's Voice: I understand --

Hillary Clinton: Is that it?

Barack Obama's Voice: One other thing. I think the heat may be off in the White House.

Hillary Clinton: Really? Completely off?

Barack Obama's Voice: I think so. It's [bleep]ing freezing in here! What do I do?

Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Alright. Go down to the basement, open the panel in front of the furnace --

Barack Obama's Voice: Hold on -- let me get my pen.

Hillary Clinton: Open the panel on the furnace --

Barack Obama's Voice: Uh-huh.

Hillary Clinton: You'll see a red button. Hit that once, and wait about 45 seconds. It should come back on.

Barack Obama's Voice: Once again, I am amazed by the range and depth of your experience. I'd gladly trade ALL of my superficial charm and rock star appeal for even a part of it.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate that, Mr. President.

Barack Obama's Voice: Because this job is ha-ard! I had NO idea! I mean, it is a [bleep] ballbuster!

Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, would you kindly avoid the profanity? It's really one of your least attractive traits -- that the public doesn't know about.

Barack Obama's Voice: Sorry. Hey, before I go -- is Bill there?

Hillary Clinton: [ frowning ] It's 3am. What do you think? Alright... call those allies!

Barack Obama's Voice: Yeah, yeah. I will. Goodbye.

[ dissolve back to Hillary Clinton seated at her desk ]

Hillary Clinton: What you've just seen is a dramatization of a frightening future. A dramatization based on facts. Well... not facts. More of what we call "specious campaign talkin points". Also, for legal reasons, I should point out there is absolutely no evidence that Senator Obama has ever used profanities, that he has started smoking again, or that he knows any less about home heating than I do. Still, the point is: the future we described doesn't have to be. If you want a different future -- a safe, confident, more experienced future -- there is something you can do. You can call or write the offices of the Democratic National Committee, and tell them: "Wait! We've changed our minds!" With enough pressure, we can convince party leaders that nominating my opponent would be a huge mistake. So, whether you're a lifelong Democrat concerned about our party's chances in November, or a Republican with your own agenda posing as a Democrat -- since, as far as we can tell, they have no way of checking -- we need you to get to the phone.

[ SUPER: "Call the Democratic National Committee
(202) 555-0111" ]

Hillary Clinton: It's not too late. We CAN turn this around. Yes, we can. I actually used that first. It's true. I did. And, one more thing: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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