Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7










07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Couples Therapy

Dr. Helen Winston.....Amy Adams
Brian.....Will Forte
Bagdana.....Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to exterior, office door: "Dr. Helen Winston -- Couples Therapy" ]

[ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]

Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey... but the good news is the love is there. And you've already taken the hardest step, by coming here.

Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor... I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we -- we listen to each other, but we don't always hear each other?

Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm... How do you feel, Bagdana?

Bagdana: I am citizen. You -- you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents -- documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm... [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point -- [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] "Real marriage" isn't always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?

Brian: Definitely!

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh -- it's real -- it's real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you've been having some... intimacy issues?

Brian: Yes. Our, uh -- wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we've started living together, uh -- Bagdana and I haven't actually been intimate at all.

Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos... yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It's legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village -- no more plow... no more pig! Bagdana free now!

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I'm sensing some boundary issues here.

Brian: Yeah! Well, you know... all I-I'm really asking is for her to open up a little more.

Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian -- we've identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don't you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren't being met.

Bagdana: Uh -- uh -- I need husband to sign K-3 form... [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top... initial bottom... submit by certified letter by May 16th.

Brian: Okay...

Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You -- you -- you the witness! You witness -- you sign bottom -- certifiy marriage -- use black pen, press very hard!

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana... is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or... is it your feelings?

Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents -- today! I gave the sex.

Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We're getting somewhere! This is about TRUST -- it's about validation. Okay! Now, we're gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian... and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!

Brian: [ thinking ] Uh -- "Brian?" Uh -- "You are the man of my dreams," um -- "You complete me."

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you're playing Brian.

Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] "My name Brian." [ she blinks ] "I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted." [ points ] "Oh, look -- there is McDonald's. We stop -- McDonald's. Never enough of the McDonald's. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!" [ she spits on Brian's shoe ] "I am Brian."

Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.

[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]

Dr. Helen Winston: You know what's especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.

Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh -- South Street Seaport... walking along the docks... when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh -- she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh -- as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen... the next thing I knew, we were married!

Dr. Helen Winston: That's a beautful story. But we're out of time. Before you go home, I -- I want you to look in each other's eyes and say something positive -- it could be anything, as long as it's from the heart.

[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana's eyes ]

Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.

[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?

Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh -- you sign for... I give one more sex.

[ Brian smiles, then leans over to kiss Bagdana's cheek ]

[ Dr, Helen Winston stands and smiles ]

Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We'll get to those, uh, forms some other time.

[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]

Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close -- please! Please sign it!

[ fade ]


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