Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 7










07g: Amy Adams / Vampire Weekend

Mirror Image

Hailey Winters.....Amy Adams
Hagley Winters.....Kristin Wiig
Mr. Heffernan.....Bill Hader
Announcer.....Paula Bell

Announcer: You're watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of "Mirror Image!"

Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley's stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!

Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I'd like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?

Hailey: I'd say you missed a career in male modeling.

Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that's...very kind of you. I have to say, I don't know how you pull it all off.

Hailey: I've been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]

Mr. Heffernan: Well I'm sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?

Hailey: Oh, right, the um...the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?

Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.

Hailey: Thanks. I'll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, let's open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know...

Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here's my report.

Mr. Heffernan: Uh...excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?

Hagley: What do you mean? I'm Hailey Winters! And I'm here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray...nay...sounce pantines.

Mr. Heffernan: You're Hailey.

Hagley: Yeah!

Mr. Heffernan: You're not even sitting in the right desk.

Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you're not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, that's really not appropriate! Now if you're Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?

Hagley: Uh...I don't know, penguins or some junk! Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]

Mr. Heffernan: OK, I'm sorry about that, I'm gonna call down to the principle's office and let them know there's a weirdo wandering around.

Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn't miss anything! [Winks at camera]

Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.

Hailey: Oh don't be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]

Mr. Heffernan: No...this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.

Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]

Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I'm back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!

Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let's mix it up so they can't tell who's who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher's desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!

Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?

Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.

Hailey: It's Heffernan!

Hagley: Hammerman!

Hailey: Heffernan!

Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]

Mr. Heffernan: So you're obviously the smart twin, and you must be...the athletic twin?

Hailey: No, that's also me.

Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?

Hagley: I'm good at crosswords.

Hailey: She means word search, and she's not good at that either.

Hagley: No, crosswords!

Hailey: Oh right! She's good at swearing.

Hagley: Ass right I am!

Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?

Hailey: No...we just change schools ever day.

Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?

Hailey: I guess you'll never know. [Winks]

Hagley: It's not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]


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