Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8




07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Internet Date

Dean....Jonah Hill
Hot Date....Casey Wilson

(Opens with an outside shot of Tadīs Broiled Steaks restaurant. Cut to inside of it. A fat nerdy guy sits with a beautiful woman. They are kind of nervous.)

Hot Date: It's nice to meet you face to face after talking on-line for so long.

Dean: Yeah, so, what do you think?

Hot Date: Uh...

Dean: I love the smell of burnt meat.

Hot Date: So, uh, you said that youīre a personal trainer?

Dean: Yeah, I personally trained my dog to drink beer.

Hot Date: And, um, you also said that you work in the, in the movie business?

Dean: I do. I work at Netflix in envelope receiving.

Hot Date: Cool.

Dean: Pretty cool...yeah.

Hot Date: Yeah, and you said, you done some modeling?

Dean: Yeah, I do. Actually, I do freelance work as a before model in tooth repair commercials.

Hot Date: Um, you mentioned in your IM that you had 3 children -- one of which was grown?

Dean: Um, yes, I was actually referring to my penis and testicles. I said one of which is growing, not grown.

Hot Date: Oh, I see.

Dean: Yeah, you misread that.

Hot Date: Yeah, you also, you said that you sing in a barbershop quartet with three bald guys?

Dean: Once again, referring to my genitals, yeah.

Hot Date: And you, live in the meat packing district?

Dean: Another genny reference.

Hot Date: Got it, got it. And you said that you own your own home?

Dean: No, I said that I live in a home that is owned -- by my parents, who also live there.

Hot Date: Thatīs kind of weird.

Dean: Your behavior during this date?

Hot Date: No. You said on one of your e-mails that you were the voice of one of the Budweiser frogs in that commercial? But that commercial is like really old.

Dean: Yeah, my friend Akiva and I dubbed our voices over the original commercial but we said "Hudweiser". Its on YouTube, its got like, 41, non-me views, if you want to check it out.

Hot Date: No, thatīs ok. Uh, sorry, another thing, you said that you drive a sports car?

Dean: Yeah, like in its day, the PT Cruiser was a sports car...

Hot Date: PT Cruiser is not an old car.

Dean: You know, I wouldnīt act so high and mighty. You told me some untruths as well, you know.

Hot Date: Like what?

Dean: Like, when you said you were 5ī6, you know, you look more like 5ī8. And you said you were above average looks, and youīre actually crazy-hot. So whoīs calling who a liar?

Hot Date: So, Iīm gonna assume you were never in the male version of "The Vagina Monologues".

Dean: No, but I did listen to a woman tell me a monologue about her vagina on 34th Street. I later found out that she was a vagina peddler.

Hot Date: Why canīt anyone just tell the truth on the Internet?

Dean: Because anyone is afraid that if you knew the truth about them you would never accept an invitation for a night of steaks and human interaction.

Hot Date: Touche.

Dean: Look, if you want to go, go ahead. I understand, it's fine.

Hot Date: Hey, Dean...

Dean: Yeah.

Hot Date: I have a confession to make. You know when I told you I had identical twins in my family? I meant my boobs.

Dean: I know. Thatīs why I came. Pass me the A-1, babe.

(Dean gets the A-1 from his hot date. Looks like heīs gonna score)

(Cheers and applause)

(Fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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