Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey


MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Isaac.....Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guyís a freakiní genius!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching poses against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned bank. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Abandoned Bank." CUT to a sign marked "Bank Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] Come on! MacGruber, this door is welded shut!

Vicky: That's not our only problem, Macgruber -- from the looks of that detonator, this whole place is gonna blow in 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Well, I know one thing thatís not gonna blow, and thatís our cool. So just stay calm because we will get out of here. [mutters to himself ] We will, we will...

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, we can do this... [ silently ] right?

Isaac: Are you asking us or telling us?

MacGruber: Iím sorry, I just heard from a little birdie that, uh, somebody was talking smack behind my back the other day and, uh, you know, it was very hurtful what they were saying, so...

Isaac: Can we talk about this later? This isnít really relevant right now.

MacGruber: Well, actually it is! It was about my job performance, so Iíd say itís very relevant right now.

Vicky: 10 seconds MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine, okay, fine! Uh -- uh -- uh, Isaac! Hand me that chalk!

Isaac: Coming right out MacGruber!

MacGruber: Vicky, that hairbrush!

Vicky: Youíve got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Isaac! Okay, look, Iím just gonna lay out my cards on the table here. That little birdie was my friend Brad, and he said that the person talking behind my back... was you.

Isaac: Uh...

Vicky: Five seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, forget it, I donít care what you think, anyway! Okay? Because Iím very good at my job! [ mopey ] Do you really think Iím not good at my j...

[CUT to the bank exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts