Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber II

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Isaac.....Jonah Hill

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

His co-workers are buzzing Ďbout his total incompetence!
Heís trying to ignore it but it really hurts his feelings!
Heís lashing out at everyone!

[CUT to MacGruber giving a pixellated finger to the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned paint factory. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Abandoned Paint Factory." CUT to a sign marked "Paint Factory Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door wonít budge!

MacGruber: Yeah, Iím not an idiot, Isaac, okay? I know the door wonít budge.

Vicky: Uh, MacGruber, from the looks of this booby-trapped RPG, weíve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Oh my God, you too, Vicky? Is that how this is gonna be?

Vicky: I was just giving the time.

MacGruber: Yeah, no, I know what you were doing and I know who put you up to it. But I wanna thank you both for this, because now I know that I am the only person I can trust. So, I will be making the decisions today, okay? So, uh, Vicky, ga... gimme the, tha... mmh... oh my God, they all look like they could help, uh... ah... mmh... oh I canít do this, no I can! I can do this! I can do this, I can do this... uh... Make a decision! [mumbling] Okay Vicky, hand me the shammy! Hand me the shammy, hand me the shammy!

Vicky: There you go MacGruber!

[MacGruber breaks into tears]

Isaac: Oh my God, MacGruber, are you crying?

MacGruber: Oh, what are you gonna do everybody? Youíre gonna tell all your little friends?! No, this is not easy, you think you can do better?

Isaac: I literally couldnít do any worse than you did.

MacGruber: Oh then be my frigginí guest!

Isaac: Okay, great.

MacGruber: Be my guest.

Isaac: Okay, why donít we switch, alright, great.

[ they switch sides ]

Vicky: 10 seconds, Isaac!

Isaac: Uh... hand me all that stuff over there, okay just hand it over. Okay, okay, great.

MacGruber: Do you need anything from over here? Can I help you in any way?

Isaac: No, Iím fine with your stuff.

MacGruber: Okay great, well then Iíll just wait over here until the explosion.

Isaac: Okay.

Vicky: 5 seconds!

MacGruber: Four... three...

Isaac: Youíre not helping!

MacGruber: Two... one... kaboom. [ no explosion ] Oh, I... guess Vickyís count was a little...

[CUT to the paint factory exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

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