Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

MacGruber III

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Isaac.....Jonah Hill
Life Coach.....Bill Hader

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He found out everybody hates him and he went into a tailspin!
He doesnít trust anyone except for his life coach!
He wears a frigginí diaper now!

[CUT to MacGruber wearing a diaper as he walks in front of the camera]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Human Trafficking Headquarters." CUT to a sign marked "Human Trafficking Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Isaac: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, the door is bolted shut!

Vicky: Thatís not all, MacGruber, this ammonium nitrate bomb is set to blow in 20 seconds!

[MacGruber looks away from the bomb, as his Life Coach steps forward]

Life Coach: Hey MacGruber, do you wanna say something to them? [MacGruber whispers in his ear] No, no, Iím not gonna tell them that because you canít defuse the bomb, MacGruber. How about we do this together, okay?

Vicky: 15 seconds!

Life Coach: Okay, letís start asking for supplies, okay?

MacGruber: Chair.

Life Coach: Chair, a chair, thatís a great idea ,MacGruber, yeah, a chair.

Isaac: Wha... come on!

Life Coach: [to Issac] We donít need your negativity right now.

[MacGruber begins to tap the chair's legs onto the bomb]

Life Coach: Youíre taking small steps but theyíre big steps, buddy. Thatís good, MacGruber.

Isaac: You canít defuse a bomb with a chair!

Life Coach: Whatís your name?

Isaac: Isaac.

Life Coach: Isaac, let me let you in a little secret: you can do anything if you put your mind...

[CUT to Human Trafficking Headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Jacques

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