Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8










07h: Jonah Hill / Mariah Carey

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman.....Jonah Hill
Evan Grossman.....Bill Hader
Woman 1.....Casey Wilson
Woman 2.....Kristen Wiig
Sushin.....Fred Armisen
Waitress.....Amy Poehler
Man.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Benihana ]

[ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit on one end, as Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman, take their seats on the opposite end of the table. ]

Adam Grossman: Excuse me, ladies! Are these seats taken?

Woman 1: Uh -- no.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I'm Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman -- age classified. My father is recently divorced -- ie. on the market -- and, as luck would have it, his condo is a stone's throw away from this very Benihana!

[ the two women nod politely ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Adam Grossman: And she's NOT interested! Bad news, Dad! The recon mission did NOT go well! Nary a BLIP! But stick with the old sportscoat and sour face -- it's doing WONDERS for you! It's a JOKE! Lighten up!

Evan Grossman: Leave these nice ladies alone, Adam...

Adam Grossman: And he SPEAKS! Welcome back to the land of the living! [ to the ladies ] Excuse me, my darlings -- my father has LOW self-esteem! He also has issues of Hustler that he keeps under his BED! Like I wouldn't check there! I'm SIX!! I shouldn't SEE such things!

Sushin: Good evening.

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Sushin! Ladies, a warning: Sushin is known to like his sake, so watch your fingers! I'm KIDDING, Sushin! Arregato and Mazel Tov to you!

Sushin: How are you this evening?

Adam Grossman: How am I?! The same way I am the third weekend of EVERY month, Sushin -- living it up, Las Vegas-style on the couch of my dad's condo! RELAX, Dad, it's a JOKE! Seriously, though -- would it KILL you to get CABLE?! I'm SIX years old! A little "Zach & Cody" goes a long way! [ turns to the ladies ] Ladies: are you familiar with the work of Zach & Cody?

[ the two women shake their heads ]

Woman 1: Sorry...?

Adam Grossman: It's about two TWINS who live in a HOTEL! They have a BUTLER!! I'm stuck here with Mr. Personality! It's like living with PAINT, if paint cried and complained about how expensive GAS is!! [ turns to look at his slent dad ] Beeeeeeeeep! And he's FLATLINED!! Nurse! Nurse! It's a JOKE, Dad! SMILE!

[ Waitress walks up ]

Waitress: Alright. Can I get you guys something to drink?

Adam Grossman: Hello, sweetheart. I'll have a Chivas on the rocks! I'm KIDDING!! I'm six years old! But, let me say, you are looking so lovely tonight. I feel like I'm EIGHT!! [ he holds up as many fingers ]

Evan Grossman: He'll have a ginger ale, and I'll have a glass of Chardonnay, please.

Adam Grossman: Chardonnay? Way to MAN UP, Dad! [ to the waitress ] Excuse me! Can you also bring him a DRESS, and two tickets to "RENT"?

Evan Grossman: [ embarrassed ] Please...

Adam Grossman: Please, what? Please get you back together with Mom?! I know that's what you want, 'cause you TALK in your SLEEP! I'm not eavesdropping, mind you, but the walls in your condo are thinner than Shelly Duvall! I'm JOKING!! I don't even know who that is! I'm SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam, we're going to go home if you can't control yourself.

Adam Grossman: I'll file that one under "Empty Threats"! [ to Sushin ] Excuse me! Hey, Sushin! Any chance I could get my chicken before bedtime? Which is 8:30! [ taps woman to his right on her shoulder ] This lady knows what I'm talking about!

Woman 2: [ confused ] I'm sorry... me?

Adam Grossman: You, I like. You're not like that minx Hannah Montana that everyone in my grade is going nuts for. Don't get me wrong -- she's a sweet girl, but a little too opinionated, if you ask me! She's the type of gal, as soon as you start going steady, everything changes! "Adam! Can you buy me some candy!" "Adam! Can you buy me some popcorn!" I make two dollars a WEEK!! Maybe you didn't hear the news, but I'm SIX!!

Evan Grossman: Adam actually has a little crush on Hannah Montana.

Adam Grossman: Ohhh!! Ohhh!! Now we're telling secrets?! Okay! Well, there's a secret for ya'! [ points to his dad ] This one -- this one took out a personal ad in the PENNY SAVER, and described himself as "adventurous"! Mind you, this is a man whose idea of adventure is FRUIT on the bottom! I'm joking, Dad, I LOVE ya'!

[ Man enters and sits next to the two women ]

Man: Hey. Sorry I'm late, guys.

Adam Grossman: Good evening, sir! Welcome to the FUN table! I'm Adam Grossman, and the icebox next to me is my father! I JOKE!! So I have bad table manners! What do you expect?! I'm SIX!! [ holds up as many fingers ]

Man: [ smiles ] Well, hey. How are ya'?

Adam Grossman: If I may answer for my father... he is not well! That is, unless you are a BILLIONAIRE who is looking to buy a collection of Hall & Oates ticket stubs! Because my father just happens to have a WALL of them -- FRAMED!!

Evan Grossman: Hey, people don't want to hear our business...

Adam Grossman: Well, here's MY business: I'm about to do a Number Two in my pants! So, why don't you hold my hand and walk me to the bathroom, or else you would rather I get ab-DUCTED! I'm JOKING!! I know he loves me! I love him, but we're going through a rough patch! Such is life! [ as he gets up ] Hey, Sushin! Make sure that these people keep their hands off my hibachi chicken! I'm joking! Help yourselves, ladies -- it's been wonderful!

[ Adam and his father rise from the table and exit to the bathroom ]

[ fade ]


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