Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8








07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Top Chef

Padma....Kristen Wiig
Wylie Delmario....Fred Armisen
Dave....Christopher Walken
Rafael....Kenan Thompson
Andy....Andy Samberg
Cindy....Amy Poehler

Caption: TOP CHEF logo. BRAVO logo at the bottom right of the screen.

[Opens with Padma walking towards 4 chefs dressed in white in a kitchen. 3 guys, one girl. They all have faux-hawk haircuts]

Padma: Welcome chefs. As you all know, Top Chef is in Chicago this season. So for tonight's quick-fire challenge, you will all be required to take one of the most well-known Chicago staples, the Deep Dish Pizza and reinvent it as fine dining cuisine. However there is a catch. You may only use the following ingredients. Beets[image of beets], couscous[image of couscous], frozen yogurt[image of frozen yogurt], medicine[image of pill bottles],a paper bag[image of a wrinkled paper bag], stale Peeps[image of yellow marshmallow Peeps] and [takes gum out of her mouth] this gum. You will have 30 minutes to complete this challenge. But there's one more catch, anyone with a faux-hawk is disqualified.[The chefs are disappointed] I'm joking. It wouldn't be Top Chef without faux-hawks or a weird judge-guy who we tell you owns a restaurant somewhere.

[A hippie looking guy with glasses and long hair stands next to Padma.]

Caption: Wylie Delmario. Owner Persimmon Grill.

Wylie Delmario: Impress me.

Padma: Your time starts now. Go!

[The chefs desperately run around the kitchen. Two of the contestants grab the same pot. They have a little tug of war]

Rafael: Hey, I need that pot!

Andy: I need it too!

Cindy: Where is the olive oil?!

Andy: I need olive oil too!

[Andy lets go of the pot, runs to other side of the kitchen]

[Dave is older than the other contestants and is completely lost. He holds up a beet]

Dave: I thought we were making a pizza. This is a beet.

[Cindy carries a boiling hot pot]

Cindy: Hot pot! Hot pot! Coming right behind you!

[Andy is stirring something in a pan]

Andy: My emulsion is separating!

[Dave looks over Rafael's shoulder]

Rafael: Can I help you?!

Dave: What are you doing?

Rafael: What do you mean what am I doing? I'm doing a salad! Hey Cindy, I need that balsamic!

Cindy: You got it!

[Cindy throws the balsamic to Rafael, he catches it]

Dave: When I cook at home I use whatever stuff I want.

Rafael: Will you get away from me please?!

Dave: Did she say cook a pizza or cook beets and couscous? Because that would make more sense with the ingredients we have. And they sound alike---pizza, beetsa, you know...

[Andy is in front of the oven and burners]

Andy: The burners aren't working! I need to make a roux!

[Dave comes over to Andy]

Dave: I have no idea what to do. What are you making?

Andy:[snippy] Its a Sicilian empanada with marshmallow peep foam!

Dave: That sounds great. You know what I like about pizza? I like it when the cheese get melty. But we're not allowed to use cheese.

Andy: Great. Can you hand me that strainer?

Dave: This is the problem I'm having today.[gives Andy the strainer] I can't use the stuff I want to use.

Andy: Dude, that's the whole point. How did you ever get on this show?

Dave: I like to cook.

Cindy: Hey, could somebody help me over here?!

[Dave comes over to Cindy at a counter]

Dave: I got free hands. I can't make head or tails of this challenge. They won't let us use certain things.

Cindy: Yeah, ok. I need to drizzle this reduction over the other reduction.

Dave: Good idea.

[They drizzle over the plates]

Cindy: You're kind of missing the plate there.

Dave: You know what else is hard about this contest? Is the time limit. It makes it hard to think of ideas. Especially when you can't use the ingredients you want to use. Everybody is running around and yelling.

Padma: Chefs, there's one minute remaining.

Wylie Delmario: I hope you're impressing me.

[Dave comes over Padma and Wylie]

Dave: Lady, I have to be honest. I haven't started cooking yet.

Padma: 30 seconds.

Dave: And that's another thing, if I was gonna make a pizza I would need an hour. Maybe more, ideally there would be no time limit.

Padma: 10 seconds.

Dave: Maybe I'll try to whip something up.[goes back to the kitchen]

Padma: That's time. Utensils down, hands up.

[The chefs put the utensils down, hands up]

Dave: I TRIED! I COULDN'T DO IT! ITS TOO HARD!

Caption: Coming up on Top Chef.

Padma: Rafael, what is your dish?

[Rafael holds up a plate with his monstrosity]

Rafael: This is a Mediterranean Pizza with shaved beet pepperoni.

Padma: And you Dave, what did you make?

Dave: Nothing. But it looks like Rafael has plenty to go around. You can eat that.

Padma: Dave, you're eliminated. Please, pack your knives and go.

Dave: KNIVES! What?! Who knew from knives?!!

Caption: TOP CHEF.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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