Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 8








07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Indoor Gardening Tips From A Man Who's Very Scared Of Plants

Gardener.....Christopher Walken

Announcer: And now, Indoor gardening tips from a man who's very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening Tips from a man who's very scared of plants.

[Opens with a gardener in his indoor garden surrounded by various plants. He has curly blond hair, a gardening apron and he's spraying water on the plants]

Gardener: Hi. These are my cactuses. I put googly eyes on them. [Cactuses have googly eyes on them] A lot of people are putting googly eyes on their cactuses nowadays. I think it's because cactuses are dangerous. Cactuses have pricklers that can stab you in your hands, your throat, your face. So you need to know where you stand with them all the time. The only way to know where to stand with someone is to look into their eyes, right? Normally plants don't have eyes, so it's hard for me to trust them. Hence. The googly eyes. Still, it's a good rule of thumb. Don't turn your back on a cactus.

[Moves over to other plants]

Now, these are my ferns. [sprays water on them] I put googly eyes on them, also. [googly eyes on the ferns] Most people don't put googly eyes on their ferns. I do. I got the idea off my cactuses because I like to feel comfortable with my plants. Now, ferns don't have pricklers like cactuses, but what if they all ganged up and tried to choke you in your sleep? If enough ferns lodged themselves down your throat...pshh!, you'd choke for sure. [puts water bottle down] It's probably not gonna happen, but what if it did? What do you think your last thought would be? Mine would be: "I always knew it was gonna be the ferns." No worries. Me and these ferns are good. I can tell. [points to his eyes with two fingers] By looking into their eyes, I know. They're like real eyes. They just make me feel comfortable.

[moves to other plants]

Ooh! [jumps back a little] But I don't feel comfortable around this plant whatsoever. [some kind of potted wildflower with googly eyes on it] Whoa, what a relief! You see. I made eye contact. [signals to his eyes with two fingers] I feel like I know where I stand with this plant. What a load off. I don't know if I've been clear about this, but the whole concept of eye contact -- hugely important to me.

[moves towards other plants]

Some plants [sighs] you can't never feel comfortable with. I made an effort on this one. [he whines in front of a huge plant, almost a tree, with big, giant googly eyes] How are you supposed to feel comfortable with something that's twice your size?

[Moves towards other plants]

Eeep! [holds back a little] I got to get away from this plant right here. This one has got to go. Come here, here's some grass I made. [three rectangles of green grass] I don't go near it. I can't figure out how to get any googly eyes stuck on it. You see, you put -- [he throws a bunch of googly eyes on the grass] you put them on and they fall right down. They become dirt eyes. So I don't feel like I know where I stand with any of them. Plus, they're so quiet. Winston Churchill once said: "The eyes are the windows of your face." See you next time.

Announcer: This has been Indoor gardening with a man who's scared very scared of plants.

Caption: Indoor Gardening With A Man Who's Very Scared Of Plants.

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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