Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Christopher Walken's Monologue

.....Christopher Walken
Audience Member 1.....Jim Downey
Audience Member 2.....Paula Pell
Audience Member 3.....Bryan Tucker
Audience Member 4.....John Lutz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Christopher Walken!

Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Thank you. It's good to be back on "Saturday Night Live". Tonight... is my one-hundredth time hosting. [ the audience laughs ] Yes... my centennial. People... tell me it's less than that, but I count reruns.

This time, I want to do something different. I've never taken questions from the audience... and I've always wanted to... and to make sure they're good questions, I wrote them myself... and acted them out before the show, so... without... more ado... fist question. [ points ] You, sir.

Audience Member 1: So, just... read, read it off the card?

Christopher Walken: Yes. But... but read it... as if... you thought of it.

Audience Member 1: Okay. [ reading his card ] "Which do you prefer more: acting in film, or live performances?"

Christopher Walken: That's a good one! Excellent question. I love movies, but, for me, nothing beats the flamboyance... the... the fulfullment of showing off in front of a living audience. [ looks around ] Next?

Audience Member 2: Hi!

Christopher Walken: Hi. Shoot.

Audience Member 2: [ reading her card ] What is your favorite color?

Christopher Walken: I have to be honest: that's not a good question. I'm sayin': Here we are... you have a chance to ask me something germaine, and... all you... come up with... is my favorite color? It's not good.

[ Audience Member 2 is flabbergasted at this reaction ]

Christopher Walken: In any case... to answer your stinky question... my favorite color... is burnt... umber. I hope the next question is better. [ looks around ] Yes? [ points ] You?

Audience Member 3: Hi. [ reading his card ] "What do you like to do when you're not on camera?"

Christopher Walken: [ shaking his head ] I'm not gonna answer that. Please... don't come at me... with questions... about my intimate behavior. You know... I have a question for you: You should be ashamed of yourself! [ looks around ] You.

Audience Member 4: [ reading his card ] "Would you rather have the power of invisibility, or the power of flight?"

Christopher Walken: [ stone-faced for a moment ] This is a GOOD one! And it so happens I have the answer: I... would go with both. I'd be a GIGANTIC... invisible bird/ I'd spend all day flying at top speed... into sliding glass doors. People would hear a big THUMP... and they'd say: "Ohh!! A BIRD... must have hit the sliding... glass door!" Then, they would... run off and look, and... what?! No bird! [ he smiles, as the audience cheers ] Can you imagine their confused face!

[ Audience Member 4 stands in stoned silence ]

Christopher Walken: I'd be a ton of laughs... if I was a... GIGANTIC, invisible bird! And, uh... you were saying?

Audience Member 4: [ confused ] I'm -- I'm sorry, what?

Christopher Walken: Flip the corner -- flip the corner.

Audience Member 4: [ he flips the card over and reads: ] "Great answer, Mr. Walken."

Christopher Walken: Thank you! [ he smiles ] You wouldn't think they'd read off a card so tricky! You look at the words, you read them -- that's how it's done. At the end of the day... I think the questions went... wonderfully well. I -- I think the evening... is gonna go... just as good... if not, worse!

We have a terrific show. Panic at the Disco is here. Stick around... we'll be right back.

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