Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 8

07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Surprise Party

Grandpa....Christopher Walken
Sue....Kristen Wiig
Guest 1....Amy Poehler
Guest 2....Bill Hader
Guest 3....Will Forte
Annie....Casey Wilson

[Opens with a nice house, cut to the living room. A man talks to his friends, who sit on sofa. One of them is Sue. She is dressed with a large multicolor sweater.]

Grandpa: Thank you for coming on short notice. As you know, my granddaughter is staying with us over the spring break and tomorrow is her birthday. So, I'm going to throw her a surprise party.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 1: What a great idea.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Guest 2: She'll be surprised.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-d!

Guest 1: Sue, what's wrong?

Grandpa: Sue likes surprise parties.

Sue: I really love surprise parties, I'm freakin' excited!

Grandpa: I want to ask. Does anyone want to help?

Sue: Oh, yes![Raises her hand high]

Grandpa: Thank you. She's going to be so happy.

[Sue clenches her fists. Excited as hell]

Guest 1: Sue?

Sue: Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was gonna be happening today! I'm ecstatic to be a part of this!

Guest 2: It's truly nice that you're doing this for her.

Grandpa: I'd do anything for her. She's my peach. What do you think? Should I get balloons?

Sue: YES!!!

Guest 3: You know, I know of a party store I could pick some up on the way over tomorrow--

Sue:[overexcited] She's gonna walk in here and think that nobody's here! I don't know what's she gonna do when she sees the balloons! And we're hidden! And she's surprised!

Guest 1: That's how a surprise party works.

Sue: Oh, I know how they work!

Grandpa: That's the idea. I thought I'd take her to the park. Tell her we're coming here for pizza. Now, you should all park far away so she doesn't see the cars and get suspicious. Sue, what are writing?

[Sue writes furiously on a notepad]

Sue: All of it! Everything that you're saying! Everything that's happening!

[Guest 2 takes the notepad from Sue and shows it.]

Guest 2: It's scribbles. It's nothing. You act like its the first time you've ever thrown a surprise party.

Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you're excited about this. I am too. I just show it differently.

Guest 1: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I can swing by tonight and pick up a cake.

[Sue rocks back and forth, out of breath]

Sue: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. Could someone get me something to eat? Some solid food. I'm so freakin'--

[Guest 2 gives her a bag of Ruffles chips]

Guest 2: Excited, excited...yes, we know.

Guest 3: I can't wait to see her face tomorrow.

Sue: Oh, my Go-o-o-o-o-od! I forgot about her face!! That's the best part!!

Grandpa: We still have a lot to cover. So let's talk about--

Sue: Oh, boy. My hands are paralyzed![Can't open the bag of chips, Guest 2 opens the bag for her]

Grandpa: I thought we could do---I can do some juggling from back when I was an army clown. I still have the nose someplace.

Sue: CLOWN![crams chips in her mouth]

Guest 1: Sue, get a hold of yourself!

Sue: I'm sorry, but I didn't know this was happening!

Guest 2: Why don't you go outside and get some air?

Sue: I'm sorry, you know what would make me calm down? A practice surprise. We can all figure out where we're gonna hide.

Grandpa: Good idea. I don't want to screw this up. So, everybody hide somewhere.

[The guests get up and hide behind the couch]

Grandpa: Ok, I bring her in. I say "Ok, Annie. We're home." And then you say---

All except Sue: Surprise!

Sue: SURPRIIIIIISE!!!!!!![Hands up high] gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!!![whisper growl] happy birthday![covers her face, uncovers, unable to contain the excitement]

Guest 3: What is wrong with you?

[Annie walks in]

Annie: Hey, grandpa. What's going on?

Grandpa: Everything's fine, darling.

Guest 1: Yeah, we're just hanging out.

Guest 2: Uh-huh.

Guest 3: Just talking.

[Sue has her collar over her mouth, bites it. Eyes open wide, ready to explode]

Annie: Hi, Sue.

Sue: I can't tell you about something!

Guest 1: Oh, shut it, Sue!

Sue: There's nothing. There's something that I'm very excited that I can't ---is there a party?!, WHAT?! NO! Whose birthday?! What?! Tomorrow?! Nothing! What's happening?! What time is it?! Park?! Pizza?! Hey, I'm going to a party tomorrow! Oh, God! Oh, God! Here it comes, here it comes! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Grandpa: Sue, don't! Please!

[Sue knocks herself out by smashing a light bulb on her head, she falls down.]

Annie: Grandpa, grandpa. What's going on?

Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we're talking about having a party for you on your birthday.

Annie: Awww, grandpa. That's really sweet but I don't need a party. But what I would like is for you to get me a Coach bag at the mall.

Guest 3: We could all pitch in on that.

[Sue sprints up on her feet]


[Sue jumps out of a glass window]

Grandpa: Anything. Anything for you, cupcake. We'll get ice cream---

[Sue jumps back in the living room through the busted window]


[Sue jumps back out the window]


[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts