Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 9


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07i: Christopher Walken / Panic at the Disco

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
Thomas Beatie.....Andy Samberg

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler! And here are tonight's top stories.

Amy Poehler: Hillary Clinton's campaign, on Friday, released her joint tax returns, showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most of that comes from Bill Clinton's speaking engagements, book royalties, and stud fees.

The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died.

Seth Meyers: Hillary Clinton, on Tuesday, said she is not a quitter, and compared herself to Rocky Balboa -- the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender, who, despite a herculean effort, is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy!

In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration, on Monday, proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with: "Pick a card."

Amy Poehler: Sen. John Edwards said this week that he would not consider accepting a nomination for vice-president, adding: [ whispering ] "Yes, I would."

Employers, who are concerned about a possible recession, cut 80,000 jobs in March, the most in five years. "This is an absolute dream come true!" said Doug Wentworth, a man who eats homeless people.

Seth Meyers: People in Cuba snatched up DVD players, pressure cookers, and other appliances on Tuesday, as a variety of consumer products went on sale for the first time. Unfortunately, this is causing massive lines at Cuba's outlet.

After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, "Five times to my face he said he would never do that." Wow, so he looked you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like?

[ suddenly, pregnant man homas Beatie enters the set ]

Thomas Beatie: Hellooooo! Excuse me!

Seth Meyers: Ughhh...

Amy Poehler: Wait... who's that? Who's that? [ looks around ] Oh, no...

Thomas Beatie: It's me, Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man who was on "Oprah", because I'm pregnant -- and a man.

[ Thomas purposely tries to stand in profile, so as to accentuate the baby in his womb ]

Amy Poehler: Right. Hi, Thomas, how are you?

Seth Meyers: It's good to see you.

Amy Poehler: What's up?

Thomas Beatie: Nothing's up! It's just that I'm having a baby shower for this little miracle rolling around on top of my prostate.

Seth Meyers: [ with great disinterest ] Uh-huh.

Thomas Beatie: And I wanted you two... to be there. [ he gently places two invitations on the news desk ]

Amy Poehler: Oh.

Seth Meyers: Really? [ he laughs ] So you're having a baby shower?

Thomas Beatie: Yeah... and you two HAVE to come. It's going to be like any other dude's baby shower --

Amy Poehler: Okay...

Thomas Beatie: The game will be on, we'll open presents, and there'll be beers in the icebox for all the bros not carrying little hos!

Amy Poehler: Well, that can be fun.

Thomas Beatie: Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I don't know.

Thomas Beatie: Come on, dude. Did I mention the stripper?

Seth Meyers: Nnnnno.

Thomas Beatie: Did I mention she's also pregnant?

[ Seth is disgusted ]

Thomas Beatie: It's a celebration of life!

Seth Meyers: Uh -- [ turns to look at Thomas ] Stop turning back and forth, you're creeping me out! [ Thomas continues to do so anyway ] It's just that, um -- [ turns again ] We get it, you're pregnant! You don't have to constantly be in profile, you're pregnant! It's just, um -- and I don't mean any offense here, Pregnant Guy -- [ he laughs ] I find this whole thing a little weird!

Thomas Beatie: Look, Seth -- I understand my situation's unconventional. But, in the end, all I'm doing is making a baby. Hey -- you want to feel my stomach?

Seth Meyers: [ relunctantly ] Yeah, alright... okay... [ he touches Thomas' stomach ] Oh, my God! I just felt a kick!

Thomas Beatie: No, that's my dong.

Seth Meyers: [ removes his hand ] Awwwww...

Thomas Beatie: See you at the shower!

[ Thomas exits the set ]

Amy Poehler: The pregnant man -- Thomas Beatie, everyone. THank you, Pregnant Man.

In an interview in Vanity Fair magazine, Madonna criticizes New York City, saying that it "doesn't feel alive, crackling with that synergy" in had in the 1980s. Said New York City: "Right back atcha!"

According to a new study, the number of female hunters between the ages of 6 and 15 has increased 50 percent in recent years. Thanks, in large part, to the magazine "Guns & Ammo & Gossip & Shoes & Boys."

Seth Meyers: Scientists have discovered a fish that crawls instead of swims and has forward-looking eyes, which they believe is an entirely unknown family of fish. But, then, after taking a second look -- yeah, that's a squirrel.

A German priest has developed a plan to help his parishioners relax from the stress of everyday life, by having them lie in an open grave. And, once again, Germany has managed to out-German itself.

Amy Poehler: Larry King, this week, was asked by the umpire to leave his son's Little League baseball game. Partly because of his behavior, and partly because his son is 81 years old."

A 43-year-old sand tiger shark died this week at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, where it has spent the last forty years in captivity -- tragically, for a rape it never committed.

Seth Meyers: A new study shows that people with a large potbelly are at an increased risk for dementia in their later years. So don't be shocked if Santa brings you a carrot on Flag Day.

According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is "Max", while the least popular is "Osama bin Sniffen."

Amy Poehler: New York State is considering doubling its cigarette tax to $3, which would make the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York City almost $9. Said smokers, "Oh-my-god-that's-outrageous-okay-we'll-pay-it!"

Researchers say they have found the earliest known gold jewelry made in the Americas, in a burial site in southern Peru. The researchers say this is the strongest evidence yet for the existence of "Cave Guidos."

Seth Meyers: The Chinese Olympic Committee has published a new list of banned drugs, which include turtle blood, root potions, and deer penis. Wait! So I did see Roger Clemens going down on a deer!

[ Seth holds his hand to his chin and ponders the thought for an extended moment ]

Amy Poehler: [ pointing at the camera on the two-shot ] Would you like to?

Seth Meyers: Give me one second... [ he finally breaks his pose ] For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler! Good night!


SNL Transcripts