Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 11





07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

MacGruber II

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Merrill.....Shia LaBeouf

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He sent Merrill to a camp, where they turned him back to normal!
MacGruber!
Merrill harbors no bad feelings, 'cause he knows he did a bad thing!
MacGruber!
He's batting for the right team now!

[CUT to Merrill staring at a long-haired dude's ass, as MacGruber steps forwrd and they pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a rebel training camp tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Rebel Training Camp." CUT to a sign marked "Rebel Training Camp Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Vicky: [struggling with locked door] The door won't budge, MacGruber! And, by the looks of this chemical bomb, we've got exactly TWENTY seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, calm down! If there's one thing I've learned over the last two months, it's that you can do -- [ glances at Merrill ] or undo -- anything, if you set your mind to it!

Merrill: [ muttering to himself ] Freakin' dick..

MacGruber: [ defensive ] What's that, Merrill?

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! [ pointing ] Hand me that thumbtack!

Vicky: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! Leviticus 18:22!

Merrill: "Thou shal not lie with mankind, as with womankind."

MacGruber: Vicky! Hand me that shoelace!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Merrill! What's your favorite thing about a woman?

Merrill: [ half-heartedly ] The vagina, MacGruber...

MacGruber: Don't forget the breasts. Vicky! Hand me that copper filament!

Merrill: [sighs] Screw this.

MacGruber: Look, where do you think you're going?

Merrill: Well, you're not letting me do anything anyways, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [grabbing at Merrill's bag] Hold on there, mister!

[ Merrill's bag falls to the floor, as something begins to rattle along the floor ]

[ Vicky turns away at the sight, as Merrill whistles nonchalantly ]

[ MacGruber watches as a pixellated dildo rotating counter-clockwise around the floor ]

[ MacGruber holds a look of shock on his face ]

[CUT to the training camp exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]


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