Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 33: Episode 11

07k: Shia LaBeouf / My Morning Jacket

It's A Match

Pam Sumpter.....Amy Poehler
Steven Nielsen Perry.....Fred Armisen
Sarah Annette Boob.....Casey Wilson
Nancy Nan George.....Kristen Wiig
Chipsey Boday.....Kenan Thompson
Dirk Densten.....Shia LeBeouf
Detective.....Bill Hader

[ open on bouncy "Match Game" style music and graphics ]

Announcer: Get ready to match the staaaaars!

[ show Pam Sumpter (a Brett Somers spoof) inside graphics ]

...Pam Sumpter!

[ show Steven Nielsen Perry (a Paul Lynde/Charles Nelson Reilly spoof) playing with his ascot inside graphics ]

...Steven Nielsen Perry!

[ show Sarah Annette Boob (a Debralee Scott spoof) covering her eye playfully inside graphics ]

...Sarah Annette Boob!

[ show Nancy Nan George (a Marcia Wallace spoof) choking on mouth spray inside graphics ]

...Nancy Nan George!

[ show Chipsey Boday a Nipsey Russell spoof) patting his afro inside graphics ]

...Chipsey Boday!

[ show Dirk Densten (a Doug Henning spoof) magically making a bouquet of flowers appear inside graphics ]

...and, Master of Illusion, Dirk Densten!

[ show title graphics over set ] we play the star-studded, big-money game: It's A Match!

And now, here's your host: Guy Lang!

[ the set door rises, but no emcee appears ]

Announcer: And now, here's your host: Guy Lang!

[ no emcee appears, but a woman's voice can be heard backstage as the celebrity panelists grimace ]

Woman's Voice: Oh, nooooo!! Oh, my God! Aaaggggghhhhh!!!

[ a trenchcoat detective with an early 1970's Gene Rayburn-style haircut enters the set from the emcee door ]

Detective: Sorry to interrupt the show. Detective Rob Perkins, from the Burbank Police Department. It appears that Guy Lang has been murdered in his dressing room.

[ Sarah Annette gasps, as Pat and Steven chuckle amongst themselves ]

Dirk Densten: Oh, my word! Life is full of surprises! [ he grabs three magic rings and makes an unsuccessful attempt to link them together ] Thank you...

Detective: Sir, please -- Guy Lang is DEAD!

Pat Sumnter: Not as dead as Steven's pool party last night! [ she sips her booze while laughing, then holds up two cards with horns drawn up to her ears ]

Steven Neilsen Perry: [ shaking with nervous laughter through clenched teeth ] The only thing dead ay MY party was the salisbury stea-ea-ea-eakkk!

[ Pat claps her hands and smacks Steven across the back ]

Detective: All kidding aside, a man's been murdered here. I'm afraid I can't let any of you go until you've answered a couple of questions. What were each of you doing at 2:30 this afternoon?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective ]

[ suddenly, the "Think" music pots up, and the celebrity panelists quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs at this reaction ] Uh... Pam?

Pat Sumnter: I do it everyday at 2:30, whether I'm with someone or not. It's "Making Whoopie"!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I also said "Making Whoopee" with my very desirable wi-i-i-i-ife!

[ bell dings ]

Sarah Annette Boob: I was eating pound cake, and crying on my waterbed!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Nancy Nan George: I said "Making Whoopie in the Kitchen", Rob -- but, like everything I make in the kitchen, I ruined it. [ she tosses her card away ]

[ bell dings ]

Chipsey Boday: "Makin' Whoopie" is what I wanted to write / Because that's what I was doin' all night. But my wife's out of town / And I knew she would frown / So I wrote: "Getting My Hair Done."

[ buzzer sounds ]

Dirk Densten: I seem to have lost my cards. Would you mind checking your inside coat pocket?

Detective: [ he relunctantly checks inaside his coat and pulls out Doug's card ] Okay, "Making Whoopie". Alright. [ Doug waves ] Very good. Alright. I need to remind everyoe that this is a murder investigation. I need answers! Where was the last place you saw Mr. Lang?

[ the celebrity panelists stare blankly at the detective once again ]

[ suddenly, the "Think" music pots up, and the celebrity panelists again quickly scribble their responses onto the blue cards ]

Detective: [ he shrugs again ] Pam.

Pam Sumpter: I said "In Steven's Bedroom".

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Hey-ey-ey-ey!

Detective: Nancy Nan?

Nancy Nan George: I thought I saw him at a whore house, but then I realzied it was "Steven's Boudior".

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] Excuse me! I'm ha-appily ma-a-arrie-ied!

Detective: Sarah Annette?

Sarah Annette Boob: The same place I auditioned for this show! "Steven's Bedroom"!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I ho-ope my wife's not wa-a-atching-g-g!!

Detective: Chipsey.

Chipsey Boday: "Steven's Bedroom"! Over one million served!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] I have chi-i-i-ldre-en!!

Detective: Steven.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ a beat ] "In My Bedroom"!

[ bell dings ]

Steven Nielsen Perry: I have a secret li-i-ife!

Chipsey Boday: Oh, it's no secret!

Fellow Panelists: Chipsey!! Chipsey!! [ they ball up their blue cards and throw them at him while laughing ]

Detective: Hey! Hey! I know you're all a bunch of rum-soaked, oversexed, washouts. Okay?

Nancy Nan George: Thank you for noticing!

[ bell dings ]

[ a bodybag is wheeled forward ]

Detective: Your long-time host has been brutally murdered! Don't you get it? He's inside this bodybag! [ looks at the panel ] Hey! Where'd the little magic guy go?

[ Dirk Densten pops out from under the bodybag ]

Dirk Densten: I've been in here, through the power... of MAGIC!!

[ the panelists applaud his trick ]

Detective: Okay. [ chuckles ] I gotta give it to you -- that was a pretty neat trick.

Dirk Densten: Uh, it wasn't. It's pretty gross. There's actually a dead body in here.

Steven Nielsen Perry: [ laughing nervously ] How dead is he-e-e-e?!

Panelists: Steven!!

[ end music pots up ]

[ title card ]

[ fade ]

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